#42 - Kirsty: Escaping Abuse, Overcoming Addiction, Building Self-Worth & Paying Her Lived Experience Forward

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This is a renewed original recording.

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Hello and welcome to the Believe in People podcast.

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My name is Matthew Butler and I am your host, or, as I like to say, your official sayer.

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Today I have with me Kersti.

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We explore unfit of contradiction and the challenges of navigating complex relationships.

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Kersti shares her experiences with subsist misuse and how it shaped her life, reflecting on her upbringing and family dynamics.

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Kersti courageously shares the weight of her previous relationships, shed the light and impacts of exploitation and multiple abusive partners who brought her to a rest and then reaching out for help.

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Kersti's narrative is punctuated by victories, including marking her six year sobriety milestone and embracing her role as a valued DWP peer mentor for the UK's leading third sector provider of drug and alcohol services, changegrow Live.

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Kersti, thank you so much for joining me on the podcast today.

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Can you tell me a little bit about yourself and what brings you to the chair?

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Well, I've just recently reached the six year mark for being abstinent.

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Congratulations.

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Thank you.

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So six years is a long time of abstinence obviously needs to be celebrated.

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What was your drug of choice?

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What was the one that you turned to the most?

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There was quite a few, but the main one was unfit of mean speed.

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How old was you when you first started taking unfit of mean?

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I think I started dabbling it, I guess, when I was about 16.

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That's quite a common time for people to start dabbling on fens.

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Did you do anything before then?

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Was you introduced to alcohol at an early age than that?

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I suppose I used to drink alcohol when I was younger.

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Yeah, then smoking a bit of weed.

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It does.

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I think at that age there's almost like this you're in this really experimental stage in life out here.

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So if I think about myself, I started with alcohol very young.

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I think I first started drinking with friends when I must have been about 13.

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And then with amphetamines.

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It's not something that I ever partook in, but I noticed a lot of my friends started to take it around that age of 15, 16 and that was that progression of let's try and take bigger risks.

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Was there any elements of peer pressure for you with amphetamines?

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Because I experienced that as a kid, the peer pressure to take amphetamines.

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I just obviously didn't start taking it myself, but did you experience that?

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I wouldn't so much say the peer pressure, but you try something, don't you?

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Yeah, you get a buzz from it, and then you just go on to try other stuff.

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What did you like about?

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it.

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What did I like about it?

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The buzz, the buzz, the way it just yeah, just the buzz it gave me.

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For someone who's never taken amphetamines.

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How would you describe the feeling of taking amphetamines to that person?

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You just feel high, you just feel you're active, you just make you busy At the time, you think you get stuff done but you don't actually get anything done.

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When did you realise that it had taken over for dependency?

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Because obviously, if you started taking this at 16, much older now than that when did you realise that you actually had a dependency to some?

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certain friends.

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I didn't really, sir, although I tried it when I was 16, I then went on to other stuff and there was other stuff that I was trying.

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I didn't actually bother that much with amphetamine till a little bit later on, probably about 18, 19, that's when I started using it.

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What was the other stuff after the amphetamines?

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So I was taking pills, those people that I knew I don't know if you've heard of, like damps, that and glue have I?

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obviously heard of glue, yet yeah, just try it.

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Actually, maybe I think someone else has mentioned that before.

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Yeah, just trying stuff like that and just whatever you could get a buzz out of.

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Tell me a little bit about, I suppose, family life and stuff growing up, Because as far as amphetamine, when we spoke in the past you seem to have quite a strong family background.

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Yeah, sir, I was brought up with.

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Both my parents come from a really nice home, nice big house.

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I've got seven brothers and sisters.

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Really nice home life.

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Dad always worked.

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My mum was a housewife.

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My parents was quite strict, always tea on the table at six o'clock.

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My dad had come in from work at six.

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Just, it was quite regimental and it had to be probably because there were so many of us.

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But yeah, we had a nice life, went on holidays so many times a year because we had like toro, caravan and stuff.

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Yeah, I'd say I had quite a nice life.

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So it's interesting, I think, the reason why I ask, a lot of people who go through substance misuse sometimes talk about adverse childhood experiences where their childhood was maybe quite traumatic and they found comfort in using substances later in life.

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But I think one of the things I always find interesting about your conversation is that you always talk really positively about your parents and about your home life, and so it's kind of, I guess, really it's interesting what brought on that substance misuse and that full seeking behaviour in your own personal life to want to do that?

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Did you maybe find that, being one of having seven brothers and sisters, did you feel like you maybe didn't, was acting out or anything?

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Where did it come from?

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I mean to be honest, when I was a kid, I always did feel like a little bit left out, although I wasn't.

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I just always felt like I was and I was not jealous of my brothers and sisters, but I always felt like they got more than what I did, Although they didn't and looking back now I know that they didn't but it was more probably because of the attention that I was obviously getting elsewhere, Because you're not the youngest, are you no?

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So you're kind of lost in the shuffle of the middle of those.

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Yes, I was the oldest girl but I was always like I was the one that was cheeky, I was the one that had been getting grounded all the time because I was just a bit of a pain.

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But no, I'd say it was more like the people that I was hanging around with and the people I was socialising and stuff with, because I was possibly not having healthy relationships and just not knowing what healthy friendships and healthy relationships were.

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Tell me a little bit more about what healthy relationships, or unhealthy relationships that you had.

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How well does it feel when you experience your first unhealthy relationship?

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I wouldn't even say it was a really.

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I mean, I started smoking when I was quite young and probably one of my earliest memories of smoking would be there was an older boy and he used to take me to somewhere quite near where I lived and he used to give me six in exchange for doing stuff.

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Sexual.

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Yeah, okay, so tell me a little bit more about that.

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How did that make you feel?

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Did that feel normal to you At the?

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time.

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Sexual favours for cigarettes and.

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I suppose at the time I didn't see it like that.

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It's only been since I've been clean that I've actually looked back at my life and Because I never understood where it came from, my parents would always say I don't understand why you're an addiction, you've had a nice life, why?

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And I didn't understand it.

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But it's only been, I'd say, since I've been clean, since I've been working, since I've been a professional, that I've actually looked back at my life and thought this is actually where it stemmed from.

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And yeah, probably being exploited, just being out and rebelling against having to be in a certain time and stuff, but yeah, just being exploited from quite a young age.

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I think one of the things that we've talked a lot about on this podcast is trauma and normalising trauma.

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And I think, when we have said this before, but when we experience something traumatic, we don't realise it's traumatic and so much later on when we look back and go hang on, that's not normal, that's not right and I think in your case, looking at what was happening there in terms of performing, you know, sexual favours for things like cigarettes, you're going to look back at that now and think, well, that's not right and if you normalise that, I have a feeling that that's going to be something that is.

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It was a reoccurring thing for you when you moved into substance misuse.

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Did you find that later on, in terms of your activity around substances, that you continued to perform sexual favours for drugs and more, I suppose, more expensive things?

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Yeah, I don't suppose it was even.

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It wasn't even just about drugs.

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Like you know, there was this, that boy that I'm talking about, who was older than me, and I can't even remember how old I was.

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I just know that I was that young that some of that sticks in my head is when, you know, I did, like, obviously, have my pants and stuff down that one of the comments that I'd made was well, you're not very hairy, are you?

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You know, you want, you haven't got many ears.

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And I look back now and I think, well, actually that's because I was a child and you know I was probably just starting puberty or whatever.

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But then, moving on from then, there was, you know, there was other people, there was, there was men, like when I was, I was underage, I was a child.

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And you look back now, don't you?

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And you realise that, then people you know, pedophiles, are being exploited.

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But I never saw it like that.

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I just, you know, it was just an unhealthy relationship.

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You know this.

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There was one particular guy who was a you know he was a lot, lot older than me.

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He was a fully grown man, you know, married, with kids and stuff, and you know I was, I was that young I used to have to be in half-past-eight on a night and he'd meet me and you know, we'd do stuff and it wasn't.

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It wasn't a healthy relationship and like at the time, like I loved this person, you know.

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So, feeling heartbroken, like at quite a young age, when you're not even old enough and you shouldn't even be in relationships like that, just led on to to more.

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I think that's one of the things that I've spoken about with, with my niece, who was who's 14 now and it's awful I reference to have these conversations, but you know, I don't I don't believe these conversations are necessary and I've said to her, like if, if you ever meet a boy who's older and they talk about you being mature for your age and stuff like that, I said you need to understand that you're likely there's an attempt at grooming there.

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Because that's what that's what groomers will do.

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They will take advantage of young girls by.

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And here's the thing when you, when I was young, if someone told me, oh, you're mature for your age, I take that as a massive compliment.

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Do you know?

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I think girls even more, so girls would probably take that even more as a compliment.

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Aside, you know you're really mature for your age because that's the thing.

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When you're a child, you think in a strange way, you always want to be older than you are until you're old enough.

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And then it's this paradoxical thing where you know teenage girls want to be older and then, when they're older, they're using products to make themselves look younger.

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Do you know what I mean?

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That's the paradox, but I was never like that.

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So when I was a kid, like I was a tomboy, I want I dressed like a boy, like I had short haircuts, you know, and I was quite a late developer, so I didn't really, I didn't even really have any like boobs until I was probably about I don't know 14, 15.

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Like I wasn't.

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It wasn't like I was.

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I was a young girl and I'd be wearing short skates or anything you know, even if I was, it wouldn't have mattered.

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But I want to dress like a boy.

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I didn't feel like you was advertising yourself to older people to you know for them to try and exploit or take it.

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Take it yeah.

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I would.

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I'd wear tracky bottoms, I'd wear trainers, I'd wear shorts, and you know I played football and all that kind of stuff.

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But I want I never put myself out there like wanting this male attention.

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I don't, I was vulnerable, wasn't I?

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I was going to say so from your point of view, why?

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Why do you think it happened then?

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Because, from what we've discussed as well, that you know, on and off this podcast and around exploitation, is that there was a pattern to it.

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And that you know you felt sometimes you was almost targeted because of it.

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Because, probably because I didn't know what a healthy relationship was and when when you feel that when you feel like someone, you feel like someone loves you, when you'll love them, even though actually you're looking back and it wasn't but you get.

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You get some kind of comfort from that dirty.

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When it makes you feel, makes you feel like you special, it makes you feel wanted.

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Yeah, I think that's always one of the things that I found most upsetting or distressing about.

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You know, abusive relationships and people are experiencing multiple abusive relationships is that if you start, or if you have a very early abusive relationship, then you could experience another abusive relationship after that, but because it's not as bad as the first one, you will somehow think that that is a healthy relationship.

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Or, you know, because you compare it to something that was much worse.

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But, then you talk to people, you talk to women about the relationships they've experienced, and it's I think it's heartbreaking that going back to the idea of normalizing behaviors and these relationships as things that are again normal, when, when they just aren't.

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And you know, you've said about this being kind of a pattern.

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How did it go then, from obviously being a young girl and experiencing exploitation into adulthood?

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because I know something that would discuses people and then in 10, 16, you know, Got my first like jobs and stuff like that and you know I left her.

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I left her because I thought I was older and at 16 as well.

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Yeah, it was yeah, and I can remember I'd started, I'd had a couple of little jobs which didn't really work out, but then I'd started this one particular job and I'd had gone home that day and said to my mom, and I'm, I'm going out of town to a party tonight, and she was like no, you know, said yeah, I am.

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No, you're not.

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Yeah, I am, I'm 16.

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I can do what I want.

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Hmm.

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Well, if that's what you think, then pack your bags and leave.

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Yeah, I packed my bag on the left.

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Yeah, and she wouldn't have meant that your mother I'm sure she didn't she just, you know, you've just called that bluff.

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I'm living my house and you follow my rules if you don't follow the rules.

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You know there's the dog.

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You know, see if you can be on your own.

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And you know like she'd say to me You're not an adult, you're 16.

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Hmm, um, but I did.

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I packed my bag.

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I'm a bag and I went.

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Where did you go live?

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I said either everywhere, um Mainly with men.

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Hmm mainly with older people.

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Yeah, and that's kind of where the drugs and the parties and all that kind of stuff Started again, it's the exploitation of a young girl at 16, left home and in a way You'll start to rely on these men in somewhere over that big, you know, financially or emotionally.

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Because one is the thing I think when people are older than you, you just naturally some that they're more mature than you or they can be more trusted than you because they've got, you know, age.

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On this side I mean now it's a little bit different.

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You know that, the age right now, but when you're a young person, you, when I was at 16, I thought people at 21, at the lights, all figured out.

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I thought by 21 my life would be sorted, you know.

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And it's ironic that now, at 32, I look back at 21.

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I think 21 you was, you was still a child, you know.

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I mean you hadn't really developed mentally between 16 to 21.

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I don't think I really developed mentally until I hit about 26, 27 and then some sort of sort of click to me.

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Well, I was a little bit more accountable for who I was and my actions and things out.

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But you do when you're younger, I think you rely on, on people who are older and and you just assume that they're gonna be more trustworthy, that they can have more knowledge or that they can help keep you safe and somewhere, and I think For a young girl as well, I imagine that that sort of thing is doubled as well, really.

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Yeah.

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I'm also so.

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Did you, did you settle down when many of these men did any of these relationships?

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The one, even really relationships.

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I, you know, looking back now I can see that I was just, I was just being exploited, and you know, by People that were higher up than me in like jobs and stuff like that you know they would.

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Yeah, they're just, I was, I was exploited and I eventually when you say exploited, do you mean sexually, emotionally?

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I was, just because I was vulnerable, like I'd just be get you know, I'd I'd be feeling, I'd be feeling sad because one person won't treat me very nice, or you know I was upset or whatever, and just yeah, I, just I, just the next, the next one had come along and it kind of you know, you know You're not being treated right, you don't deserve to be treated like this, let me.

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Let me treat you better.

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That's what we're saying.

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And if they treat you just a little bit better, you're thinking, you're something, thinking I've hit the lorry here this one's gonna be much better.

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This relationship is gonna be much better than the Mars, because it's just it's.

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All it takes is for that next relationship To just be a little bit better.

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And I think that's when you hear these stories about you know these these, you know domestic abusive relationships and things like that, and that's the part that I think, I think always upsets me in that sense.

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But when you, when you're staying with these people, are you paying rent or is there an exchange in there, if like?

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Because, you're having sex with them, they're paying bills and stuff like how did the workout?

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Because when you say about being exploited, obviously there is that generally you're younger, they're older, but but how?

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What was it that was being exploit?

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just parties, drugs, alcohol, sex, you know yeah exploited in that way and sometimes probably doing things that I didn't want to do.

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And then, yeah, I, yeah, just staying, staying from place to place.

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And then I moved.

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I moved in with a girl and I moved into a flat with another girl.

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Moves probably round about.

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I think she was round about my age, maybe a little bit older.

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Hmm, I moved into a flat with her.

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I mean years ago.

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It was really easy to get a flat one.

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He just approached her landlord and you know somebody, they just let you move in now.

00:18:36.045 --> 00:18:37.832
There's like credit checks and you know.

00:18:39.786 --> 00:18:42.092
And you know I'd lived in a few flats.

00:18:42.092 --> 00:18:48.314
I'd just I'd live there for so long, Not pay any rent you know, get evicted and just moving to the next one yeah.

00:18:51.747 --> 00:18:58.476
So when you say you was doing things that you didn't want to do, when you look back at that now as an adult, why was you doing them?

00:18:58.476 --> 00:19:03.250
Don't know You've ever thought about it, do you know?

00:19:03.250 --> 00:19:06.518
I've never really not wanted to think about, I guess is another thing.

00:19:07.705 --> 00:19:18.054
Probably because they showed me attention, you know, and I just, I thought at the time, I was thinking you know, I'm 16, I can do what I want, or I'm 17, I can do what I want.

00:19:18.054 --> 00:19:28.205
You know, at the time I'd say, I thought I was, I thought I was the one In control, I thought it was me getting what I wanted out them people it's.

00:19:28.205 --> 00:19:31.756
It's only now looking back that I realized that you know.

00:19:33.787 --> 00:19:48.794
There was taking advantage of me, yeah and that's what it seems to come down to, I think, really, for if you kind of Try and tie it on together, you know, being being a sort of middle child from a big family and that lack of attention, yeah, and now it's probably what it was, because I was quite needy as a child.

00:19:49.965 --> 00:19:52.050
Yeah, my mom and dad will tell you like I was.

00:19:52.050 --> 00:20:01.838
I was just needy, I was, I was quite ungrateful, I just, you know, it'd come to Christmas day and I'd look at everybody else's pile of presents and kind of say, like where's man is that?

00:20:01.838 --> 00:20:04.932
But I'd have the same as everyone else.

00:20:04.932 --> 00:20:07.505
It's just that I was getting older so I'd be getting smaller piles.

00:20:07.505 --> 00:20:08.729
You know I'd be getting jewelry.

00:20:08.729 --> 00:20:12.141
You know my younger siblings would be still getting the toys and yeah.

00:20:15.894 --> 00:20:18.401
You don't look at the monetary value when you get a little bit older.

00:20:18.401 --> 00:20:23.935
The pile then piles of toys and Presences you get all they get smaller, but they're probably cost more money as well.

00:20:25.769 --> 00:20:31.038
I was just ungrateful and I just thought, like you know, you care about everybody else more than they care about me.

00:20:31.038 --> 00:20:32.913
But that's just.

00:20:32.913 --> 00:20:34.163
That's just how I was as a child.

00:20:34.163 --> 00:20:35.450
And you know it.

00:20:35.450 --> 00:20:42.961
Maybe it was because there was a lot of us and was you know there was you know my mom and dad had had all of us to give their attention to, didn't they, sir?

00:20:42.961 --> 00:20:50.086
Maybe that's why I acted out quite a lot and, you know, always in trouble at school and yeah.

00:20:50.288 --> 00:20:52.035
I just I, just I just thought.

00:20:52.035 --> 00:20:54.744
I just thought I want as loved as everyone else.

00:20:54.744 --> 00:20:56.692
Yeah but I was.

00:20:56.692 --> 00:21:03.265
It was just I want getting attention, that I probably needed, yeah, at the time when it must be hard as well.

00:21:03.305 --> 00:21:03.625
Do you know?

00:21:03.625 --> 00:21:22.085
So I think, for even look at this as from a parent perspective, you know, when you've got a big family, because there is that element of and it's like you know, see where I feel like I'm doing multiple jobs at the moment, I'm giving a hundred percent to four different jobs, which means you only given 25 percent to each each role, really, and it's it's similar with kids.

00:21:22.085 --> 00:21:23.410
You've got four children.

00:21:23.410 --> 00:21:24.773
You give a hundred percent.

00:21:24.773 --> 00:21:27.491
Are you really only giving 25 percent to each kid?

00:21:27.511 --> 00:21:29.396
Yeah, do you know I mean it's that hundred percent.

00:21:29.396 --> 00:21:37.859
It has to be split somewhere doesn't it now, because I'm a mum yeah, yeah so you know you do love your kids all the same, don't you just that you know.

00:21:37.859 --> 00:21:42.053
Every one of them is different, so the attention that you give each child is different to the next child.

00:21:42.354 --> 00:21:43.457
How old was you when you became a mum?

00:21:44.807 --> 00:21:45.250
I was.

00:21:45.250 --> 00:21:53.851
I came a mum in 2001, so I was a Mumfuff being 21, so I was quite young.

00:21:54.152 --> 00:21:56.277
I was still in primary school in 2001.

00:21:56.277 --> 00:21:57.867
Yeah, I feel like that.

00:21:57.867 --> 00:22:00.731
But, that's, that's young.

00:22:00.731 --> 00:22:12.719
That's still young to be having to know, obviously, your first child I tell me a little bit about, because you know still that's it's not far off the edge of still going through all this, that you're going through the substance, misuse, that party lifestyle.

00:22:12.719 --> 00:22:16.496
Tell me a little bit about the circumstances around again.

00:22:17.605 --> 00:22:38.573
Somebody I met, somebody I met at work what older than me and and in fact I'll say this like I'd had sex with his brother, and then I can always remember he'd said to me at work, my brother's had you know, so it's Martin kind of thing, yeah, and I did how did that make you feel when he said that?

00:22:38.573 --> 00:22:47.990
At the time, I don't know probably Wanted special.

00:22:47.990 --> 00:22:49.474
You know I was young.

00:22:49.474 --> 00:22:52.545
That's what I mean, because I think it was all day when you say that it sounds.

00:22:53.207 --> 00:22:53.989
That sounds awful.

00:22:53.989 --> 00:22:56.876
My brother's had, you know, it's my turn that and it sounds awful.

00:22:56.876 --> 00:23:09.711
But there's something about basic what we're talking about so far, which I felt like you would have taken that as a compliment, as being wanted and maybe even enjoying a comment like that being passed your way, yeah, which to me obviously that sounds awful.

00:23:09.711 --> 00:23:16.337
But I think for you and what you've gone for at this point, that's normal behavior, that's a normal way to speak, to do you know?

00:23:16.598 --> 00:23:21.751
20 year old Kesty or whatever you was, it was yeah, how does that make you feel, though?

00:23:21.771 --> 00:23:30.832
when you think about that, and the way you was spoken to about then and the way you Just try as a bit, of, a bit of an object, almost you know what I mean and that's what it, that's what it sounds like.

00:23:32.286 --> 00:23:42.797
Looking back now like yeah, made me feel shit, hmm, made me feel shit, but I can't, you know, I can't change that, I can't do anything about it?

00:23:42.797 --> 00:23:48.202
Again, it was, it was the lifestyle, it was, it was the drugs, it was.

00:23:48.202 --> 00:23:51.173
You know Some, it was all there.

00:23:51.173 --> 00:23:51.835
We had a car.

00:23:51.835 --> 00:23:55.971
Yeah, it just just was one of them.

00:23:55.971 --> 00:23:56.653
So how?

00:23:56.692 --> 00:23:58.597
did that relationship go then obviously you had a.

00:23:58.597 --> 00:24:05.198
Yeah, you're a child person how to tell me a little bit about how it was very abusive.

00:24:06.885 --> 00:24:11.116
There was a lot of domestic abuse involved and a lot of drug abuse.

00:24:12.486 --> 00:24:13.490
From both of you.

00:24:13.490 --> 00:24:13.891
Was that?

00:24:13.891 --> 00:24:14.594
What was it?

00:24:15.630 --> 00:24:28.308
I'd say so, yeah, but Me being me being 18 and being 10 years older, and you know the way it progressed as it did, you know he shouldn't have.

00:24:28.308 --> 00:24:42.977
He shouldn't have been treating me the way that he was treating me and Really, really highly abusive, would put me down, would bodyshape me and Would come into the place where I worked.

00:24:42.977 --> 00:24:44.265
He would spit in my face.

00:24:44.265 --> 00:24:55.067
It would spit in my face in front of my younger brothers and sisters to the point where my mum and dad stopped my younger siblings coming to my house because they didn't want them around that.

00:24:55.067 --> 00:24:58.936
But for a long time, like I hid that from, I hid that from my parents.

00:24:58.977 --> 00:25:08.851
He had it from my family, but then it just got to a point where you know I couldn't add it anymore and you know People were seeing it, neighbors were seeing it.

00:25:08.851 --> 00:25:22.111
No, like nobody ever reported things, people saw things, people had things and you know the fact that he was, he was coming into my place of work and stuff and you know spitting in my face and stuff like that.

00:25:22.111 --> 00:25:25.959
Like not nobody ever, not one person ever, reported anything.

00:25:26.945 --> 00:25:27.909
There's something about that as well.

00:25:27.909 --> 00:25:32.424
If you think about even how we've progressed, is just a society in the last 20 years?

00:25:32.424 --> 00:25:40.432
I mean, you got used that the toilet and, as during this, opposed to like if you feel Unsafe, you know, speak to someone can help you, and things like this.

00:25:40.432 --> 00:25:42.056
There's loads of things around that now.

00:25:42.076 --> 00:25:44.727
I didn't know anything about Domestic use.

00:25:44.727 --> 00:25:49.826
You know, even like growing up and stuff like that, I know like being exploited, there was nothing.

00:25:49.826 --> 00:25:51.392
There was nothing on social media.

00:25:51.392 --> 00:26:05.673
You know we didn't get them talks from our parents about Healthy relationships and being exploited or being used by men and you know your body's your own and you know Don't let anybody come near you and stuff it won't.

00:26:05.673 --> 00:26:09.311
We was just told like Beware of the man down the street.

00:26:09.311 --> 00:26:10.778
You know the we had all looking one at.

00:26:10.857 --> 00:26:18.625
you know that was probably quite innocent, and you know the incomparison to what we just got warned of you know strange, you danger.

00:26:18.684 --> 00:26:23.275
I don't speak to strangers that speak to them because there could be you know the bad man and stuff.

00:26:23.275 --> 00:26:24.778
I won't never warned about.

00:26:24.778 --> 00:26:30.059
Things like that I won't talk to about, even like domestic abuse and stuff like I didn't.

00:26:30.059 --> 00:26:31.545
I didn't know what domestic abuse was.

00:26:31.545 --> 00:26:33.891
I'd never been brought up around my parents.

00:26:33.891 --> 00:26:36.356
I'd never, never read my parents argue, never.

00:26:36.356 --> 00:26:38.970
They kept evict the shelters from all that.

00:26:38.970 --> 00:26:42.538
If they obviously did, because you know they'd have had the struggles and stuff.

00:26:42.538 --> 00:26:45.474
But I was just never subjected to anything like that growing up.

00:26:46.126 --> 00:26:48.796
You know it was so was it like to be on the receiving end of it then?

00:26:48.796 --> 00:26:51.645
Because you can, you know, yes, now we're.

00:26:51.645 --> 00:27:08.778
There's a lot more messages out there around healthy relationships and what healthy relationship should look like, but back then, the only thing you can really model what is a healthy relationship or what isn't a healthy relationship Is your parents, like you know, and their relationships and kind of thinking well, you know, my mum and dad are like this, so that's what a normal relationship looks like.

00:27:08.778 --> 00:27:09.545
That's kind of what we do.

00:27:09.545 --> 00:27:15.105
So what was it like to be on the receiving end of something which, by the sounds of it, is a complete polar opposite to what your parents was?

00:27:15.726 --> 00:27:16.188
I hid it.

00:27:16.428 --> 00:27:19.055
Hmm, why did you hide it Was it was?

00:27:19.055 --> 00:27:22.261
Did you just know it was wrong and you did you feel ashamed about it?

00:27:22.261 --> 00:27:23.852
What was the reason for hiding it?

00:27:24.153 --> 00:27:34.888
I suppose because growing up I always, I Always imagined like you grow up, you meet someone, you get, you know, you have kids and you get married and you have this happy ever after.

00:27:34.888 --> 00:27:44.152
So I suppose I wanted I wanted people to think that that's what I had, because I felt ashamed that I didn't have that so I hid it for a long time.

00:27:44.393 --> 00:27:46.891
Hmm, how long did that relationship last?

00:27:48.365 --> 00:27:49.349
Seven and a half years.

00:27:49.349 --> 00:27:53.015
Yeah, and it was you know.

00:27:54.106 --> 00:27:54.468
How do you?

00:27:54.468 --> 00:28:05.359
How, because for someone who's been so openly abusive in front of family and it's going to your place of work and be abusive, I Drift, I think, how, like, what was that like for your child?

00:28:05.359 --> 00:28:09.494
I Mean like, how did you, you know, protect or shield them from it?

00:28:09.494 --> 00:28:12.351
Could you even protect or shield them?

00:28:12.392 --> 00:28:13.474
probably, probably not.

00:28:13.474 --> 00:28:15.492
No, I mean, there was, there was.

00:28:15.492 --> 00:28:16.678
There was quite young.

00:28:16.678 --> 00:28:21.536
When we split up, I think my youngest was four and the eldest was five.

00:28:21.536 --> 00:28:25.715
And no, I didn't, I didn't shield them from it.

00:28:25.715 --> 00:28:27.364
I didn't know how to shield them from it.

00:28:27.364 --> 00:28:31.451
I was, I just I just used.

00:28:31.451 --> 00:28:34.356
You know, we had a huge drugs motor function.

00:28:34.678 --> 00:28:34.857
Hmm.

00:28:35.077 --> 00:28:35.980
That's, that's all I did.

00:28:35.980 --> 00:28:39.007
Yeah, I didn't, I Couldn't.

00:28:39.007 --> 00:28:40.413
I just couldn't get by.

00:28:40.413 --> 00:28:44.448
I just couldn't get by every day without without using it's.

00:28:44.448 --> 00:28:48.397
I just used every day and just got on with it and functioned almost like a robot.

00:28:48.397 --> 00:28:52.036
You know, and the way it was at home.

00:28:52.036 --> 00:28:55.675
The more I was I would put into work, the more I would be at work.

00:28:57.385 --> 00:28:58.489
Was there an element of?

00:28:58.489 --> 00:29:04.105
I mean, I guess well, firstly was, you would have had these conversations with your children by now.

00:29:04.105 --> 00:29:12.102
I'm sure you know they're not that much older, but have they said anything about what it was like for them as children growing up in that house, where that was happening?

00:29:12.122 --> 00:29:20.269
I Mean, that's kind of their trauma and I'm not a lot, you know it's, that's not my story to tell, but yeah, there's.

00:29:20.630 --> 00:29:21.694
There's been aware of it.

00:29:21.694 --> 00:29:24.105
They were, there was, it was, they were at the time.

00:29:24.645 --> 00:29:25.407
Yeah, yeah they've.

00:29:25.407 --> 00:29:27.853
They were subjected to that trauma too.

00:29:28.093 --> 00:29:36.233
Okay, yeah, there was so, being in domestically abusive relationship, being in addiction, and what was that like for you?

00:29:37.186 --> 00:29:59.384
It was horrendous, it was horrible and you know, if my whole life was a mess and my mental health was Like really bad, like I just lost all my confidence and I just I just literally cry on a daily basis and didn't have any confidence to just felt worthless, and I suppose some of that probably comes from while I was with him.

00:29:59.384 --> 00:30:17.450
Um it, you know it be, telling me that I was sleeping with my friends and it refer to my friends as fit and just stupid things like Women being on the TV like physically made me feel sick because of the fact he used to be saying, you know, you know, look at the tits on air.

00:30:17.450 --> 00:30:19.536
And just just being like vulgar about them.

00:30:19.644 --> 00:30:21.816
I was done to show like it is what you're, not his.

00:30:21.816 --> 00:30:32.513
Do you know your friends are more attractive, yeah yeah it's doing a way to really manipulate you, isn't it, and make you feel much, much less Wavy of you own self-love and care, I guess.

00:30:32.795 --> 00:30:32.996
Yeah.

00:30:32.996 --> 00:30:35.644
So you know, I stopped, I isolated myself.

00:30:35.644 --> 00:30:45.018
I stopped my friends coming around and even just like Watching the TV and stuff, like if somebody was good looking on TV I would literally just feel physically sick.

00:30:45.018 --> 00:31:04.114
Yeah, and that was it whilst whilst I was with him, but then also going on to like a new relationship that just stayed with me like I couldn't, you know I'd cause an argument just because we'd be sat watching something on the TV and somebody nice had been on the TV or Would you know, would we'd be at the shops or whatever.

00:31:04.114 --> 00:31:04.586
Do I?

00:31:04.586 --> 00:31:12.618
Just being in a car and passing somebody that was nice and Seeing my partner look like I'd just be just physically make me feel sick and that that's.

00:31:12.719 --> 00:31:13.843
I think that's the thing, isn't it?

00:31:13.843 --> 00:31:18.964
When we talk about like Well, like social media and everything today, people constantly comparing themselves.

00:31:18.964 --> 00:31:26.250
I honestly think comparing yourself to others is the one thing that leads to really low mental health, whether that be on social media.

00:31:26.250 --> 00:31:33.452
When you scroll through Instagram, you've seen the life that other people have and Doing that constantly, not even on social media, but in real life.

00:31:33.492 --> 00:31:39.105
That's something that I imagine really Affected you long term it did because I just I didn't want to go out.

00:31:39.105 --> 00:31:46.199
You know there'd be there'd be like social situations where I want to go just for that fear of other people looking nice.

00:31:46.986 --> 00:31:49.186
Comparing yourself, yeah sounds.

00:31:49.307 --> 00:31:50.652
Sounds like really sad now, don't it?

00:31:50.652 --> 00:31:51.314
But it does.

00:31:51.314 --> 00:32:01.994
And Because he always told me that I was fat and stuff, like I just felt physically like disgusted with myself all the time, which, you know, taking speed does make you lose weight, don't it?

00:32:01.994 --> 00:32:03.428
And but I would.

00:32:03.428 --> 00:32:19.659
I was taking it to the point where I was that thin like just getting a bath, like it hurt me because you know, like you cox it, you burn on your own yeah yeah, yeah, it on the bottom of the bathroom stuff when I was in the bath, because I was that thin and but I just saw myself as fat.

00:32:20.766 --> 00:32:21.327
Did that lead to?

00:32:21.327 --> 00:32:23.474
Any is only eating disorders as well with yourself.

00:32:23.474 --> 00:32:24.147
Do you know?

00:32:24.147 --> 00:32:25.011
Was you making which?

00:32:25.051 --> 00:32:25.554
make this off.

00:32:25.554 --> 00:32:26.278
I didn't eat.

00:32:26.278 --> 00:32:27.865
No, I just didn't eat.

00:32:27.865 --> 00:32:32.897
If I, if I was hungry, I'd just I just eat more speed.

00:32:33.806 --> 00:32:42.933
Eat more speed to stop me wanting to replace and replacing food with with amphetamines and yeah you know, the more out, the more I was in addiction and stuff, obviously the more dead.

00:32:42.953 --> 00:32:49.702
And that I got in Like, yeah, the more, the more I was using, the more I couldn't afford it, the more I was.

00:32:49.702 --> 00:33:03.530
You know, just, my deck was spiraling, I wouldn't open my mail, you know, and then just having like bail if sat the door and stuff like that, and then started like using like doorstep lenders and stuff and yeah, just got in a mess with all that.

00:33:03.691 --> 00:33:04.734
That's it, it's the em.

00:33:04.734 --> 00:33:07.709
So quickly it can spiral, isn't it?

00:33:07.709 --> 00:33:08.349
I suppose?

00:33:08.349 --> 00:33:13.038
And I was talking about like tackling stigma and trying to kind of put yourself in other people's position.

00:33:13.038 --> 00:33:18.799
One of my colleagues said to me before said you're only two miss paychecks away from being homeless, and that always resonated with me.

00:33:18.799 --> 00:33:24.595
I thought, you know, it's probably right, if I didn't pay my mortgage for the next two months, if I didn't pay my bills over up next two months, I probably would end up homeless.

00:33:24.595 --> 00:33:30.357
And you realize the gap between you and people like our street homes that are often ignored.

00:33:30.357 --> 00:33:33.164
It's a very small gap, yet in our mind.

00:33:33.164 --> 00:33:39.849
We probably like to compare ourselves more to having more in common with the likes of millionaires and these Celebrities that we see on social media.

00:33:39.849 --> 00:33:41.032
When it's not the case.

00:33:41.032 --> 00:33:42.236
We do have more in common.

00:33:45.666 --> 00:33:46.951
I'd been threatened with eviction.

00:33:46.951 --> 00:33:50.325
You know, from my council property and stuff, because I just want won't pay you.

00:33:50.345 --> 00:33:51.148
I won't pay my rent.

00:33:51.148 --> 00:33:53.721
Just moving on to the next one, as you said, you don't you know I?

00:33:53.740 --> 00:33:53.882
did.

00:33:53.882 --> 00:33:54.545
I did that.

00:33:54.545 --> 00:34:00.567
But then when I had a council house and I was on my own with the kids and stuff like it's a bit different.

00:34:00.586 --> 00:34:02.491
When you've got kids in, I suppose you can't be stopped on.

00:34:02.511 --> 00:34:13.869
Leave as easy as you used to moving, go live somewhere else, but then obviously when I had a family Like it, yeah, changes, everything doesn't yeah the thought of like being kicked out and stuff Won't nice.

00:34:13.869 --> 00:34:23.289
But you know, luckily I had my family who'd bail me out and but yeah, just yeah, it was just, it was just not nice one, nice at all.

00:34:24.130 --> 00:34:35.590
If you think of all these these years of abuse of substance, misuse of, you know, physical abuse, sexual abuse, what what would you consider now, on reflection, to be that rock bottom moment?

00:34:35.590 --> 00:34:40.262
What was the worst moment of it where you thought, right, I need to, I need to make some changes?

00:34:42.052 --> 00:34:44.239
That was probably years and years later.

00:34:44.239 --> 00:34:47.755
Yeah, just, I had.

00:34:47.755 --> 00:34:56.302
I had my children removed for six weeks and I got placed on my parents, mm-hmm, and luckily, you know, I've had, I had a supportive family.

00:34:56.302 --> 00:35:00.260
They'd been an incident at my house.

00:35:00.260 --> 00:35:07.713
Obviously, the police came, I was under the influence and you know, I was arrested and that was.

00:35:07.713 --> 00:35:10.641
That was probably the lowest point for me what been arrested.

00:35:10.641 --> 00:35:16.719
Yeah, the look the lowest point in my addiction there's been.

00:35:16.719 --> 00:35:21.494
There's been a few lower points and yeah tell me one because of the reason.

00:35:21.614 --> 00:35:30.440
The reason why we do this podcast is because I don't think people really Understand what someone with substance misuse and substance dependency go through.

00:35:30.440 --> 00:35:45.063
I think they see a very surface, very surface level to it, where they may see someone under the influence in town center, do you know, causing some sort of do not public disorder or something, or they'll see homeless people.

00:35:45.063 --> 00:35:56.159
But I think the reason why we do this podcast is because, to that point, to be it, to be in that state in public, and it yes, there is an element of choice to start using substances.

00:35:56.159 --> 00:36:11.846
But to be that far into it, to be constantly trying to to cover up these feelings, to be trying to to escape that trauma, people don't necessarily look at homeless people or the person under the influence of public and think what has that person gone through?

00:36:11.846 --> 00:36:15.681
Tell me about some of these rock bottom moments, what was they like?

00:36:15.681 --> 00:36:20.130
There's gotta be, you know, I mean, there's gotta be a reason to just continue, because that's the thing.

00:36:20.130 --> 00:36:23.304
There's got to be a reason to continue that pattern of behavior as well.

00:36:23.304 --> 00:36:23.344
I.

00:36:24.871 --> 00:36:26.454
Couldn't, I just couldn't stop doing it.

00:36:26.454 --> 00:36:33.869
I literally I knew, I knew I would fall to pieces if I didn't, if I didn't continue using, because I couldn't function without using.

00:36:33.869 --> 00:36:36.514
I Couldn't function without using.

00:36:36.514 --> 00:36:41.931
And you know, even after that relationship ended, I got involved in another relationship that was unhealthy.

00:36:41.931 --> 00:36:48.755
And then, you know, I went on to have another relationship that should have been healthy because we ended up having a child together.

00:36:48.755 --> 00:36:51.320
But I didn't know what a healthy relationship was.

00:36:51.320 --> 00:36:53.273
So I, you know, I didn't.

00:36:53.273 --> 00:36:54.378
I didn't treat him that well.

00:36:54.378 --> 00:36:59.793
I didn't treat him that well and I Was using drugs.

00:36:59.793 --> 00:37:07.329
He was unaware that I was an addict, because, because I'd had it or I'd pretend I was just using on a weekend or whatever.

00:37:07.329 --> 00:37:08.032
But it became.

00:37:08.032 --> 00:37:10.778
I just became consumed with it and I needed it.

00:37:10.778 --> 00:37:12.342
I needed it to get up every day.

00:37:12.342 --> 00:37:14.523
You know, I needed it, just a function.

00:37:14.523 --> 00:37:15.550
I needed it to go to work.

00:37:16.030 --> 00:37:16.472
But why?

00:37:16.472 --> 00:37:17.114
What was it?

00:37:17.114 --> 00:37:17.396
You know?

00:37:17.396 --> 00:37:19.643
I mean, we talk about substance misuse and the escape some.

00:37:19.643 --> 00:37:22.132
What are you escaping from when you think you need it's a function?

00:37:22.132 --> 00:37:24.302
So it says is that what?

00:37:24.302 --> 00:37:24.543
It was?

00:37:24.543 --> 00:37:26.088
Just a trauma, just escaping?

00:37:26.128 --> 00:37:31.128
trauma, just escaping trauma, and just, yeah, I just I just couldn't function without it.

00:37:31.128 --> 00:37:35.949
There was I, just I don't know, I can't explain it, I just could not function without it.

00:37:35.949 --> 00:37:36.271
Hmm.

00:37:37.275 --> 00:37:38.342
I just couldn't function.

00:37:38.342 --> 00:37:42.056
I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, I couldn't get my kids to school on time.

00:37:42.056 --> 00:37:44.101
I was consumed in with debt.

00:37:44.101 --> 00:37:46.608
You know there was bills that I want paying.

00:37:46.608 --> 00:37:51.447
You know I'd had my car taken off me at one point because I didn't have any insurance.

00:37:51.447 --> 00:37:52.891
And you know I was.

00:37:52.891 --> 00:37:54.940
I was driving my kids to school.

00:37:54.940 --> 00:37:57.130
My car got took off because I didn't have any insurance.

00:37:57.130 --> 00:38:01.769
I was just, I, just, I just couldn't keep up with, I just couldn't keep up with life.

00:38:02.152 --> 00:38:02.355
Yeah.

00:38:02.677 --> 00:38:05.192
I just couldn't, I couldn't function I think that's it.

00:38:05.271 --> 00:38:07.215
Once you, once you lose sort of grip of it.

00:38:07.476 --> 00:38:08.418
I just lost myself.

00:38:08.418 --> 00:38:15.117
I just lost myself and, yeah, I just, I just couldn't.

00:38:15.117 --> 00:38:16.503
I just couldn't cope with life.

00:38:16.503 --> 00:38:20.896
I Couldn't cope with feeling like a shit parent.

00:38:20.896 --> 00:38:22.617
I couldn't.

00:38:22.617 --> 00:38:26.172
I Just couldn't cope and I Didn't.

00:38:26.172 --> 00:38:29.949
I didn't ask for help because I didn't know there was helping at that time.

00:38:29.949 --> 00:38:31.074
I didn't.

00:38:31.074 --> 00:38:35.929
You know, even after I'd come out of the abusive relationship, I didn't know I'd been in an abusive relationship.

00:38:35.929 --> 00:38:40.025
That's only something I've realized in the last six years.

00:38:40.025 --> 00:38:40.688
I.

00:38:40.688 --> 00:38:42.554
Didn't know it was abuse.

00:38:43.771 --> 00:38:45.338
What made you feel like a ship parent?

00:38:47.811 --> 00:38:53.222
Everything, the guilt, the guilt of what my kids witnessed, what I put my kids through.

00:38:53.222 --> 00:38:59.376
You know the fact that I stayed with someone that was not only cruel to me, but you know he won't.

00:38:59.376 --> 00:39:02.806
He won't gonna be a good father to my kids, was he, you know?

00:39:02.806 --> 00:39:04.916
And the the waste that it was to me, the more.

00:39:04.916 --> 00:39:12.362
The more I would go to work, the more Later I'd come in on the night, so the more I was leaving him to look after my kids when my kids needed me.

00:39:12.362 --> 00:39:16.099
But I won't thinking about my kids, I was just thinking about myself.

00:39:16.099 --> 00:39:17.041
I didn't want to go home.

00:39:18.331 --> 00:39:27.389
You know when you're going home and you you're being checked, when somebody's literally Taking your knickers off here to check see if you've been having sex with other people and stuff.

00:39:27.389 --> 00:39:28.855
I didn't want to be at home.

00:39:28.855 --> 00:39:30.298
I avoided all that.

00:39:30.298 --> 00:39:36.378
But then, when, when we did split up, I Was left with the trauma that I'd done to my kids.

00:39:36.378 --> 00:39:38.344
You know the, even at four and five.

00:39:38.344 --> 00:39:40.449
You know the be it the behavior and stuff.

00:39:40.449 --> 00:39:44.338
It was it the behavior that they're lashing out and stuff.

00:39:44.338 --> 00:39:46.844
You know that all started and I just, I just couldn't deal with it.

00:39:46.844 --> 00:39:51.335
I couldn't cope with it and Just feeling like a shit man.

00:39:52.452 --> 00:39:55.373
So what you've just Explained, that checking.

00:39:55.373 --> 00:40:04.514
You're going out to work, coming home, having your partner at the time, checking your knickers to see if you've Cheated on him.

00:40:04.514 --> 00:40:08.576
Yeah that I Can't even fathom that.

00:40:08.576 --> 00:40:09.541
That sounds horrendous.

00:40:09.541 --> 00:40:16.815
That sounds like a Case study where they've come up with like a really worst case scenario of a type of control and abuse.

00:40:16.815 --> 00:40:23.478
You know it's something that you just wouldn't think that Actually happens, but to experience that yeah, what nice how?

00:40:23.478 --> 00:40:25.121
How does that make?

00:40:25.121 --> 00:40:26.523
How does that make you feel?

00:40:27.789 --> 00:40:29.378
Humiliated, embarrassed.

00:40:29.619 --> 00:40:30.844
Do you think that was the aim of it?

00:40:30.844 --> 00:40:30.885
I?

00:40:32.251 --> 00:40:34.820
Think it was just to belittle me and to degrade me.

00:40:34.820 --> 00:40:37.617
It was, it was just horrible.

00:40:37.617 --> 00:40:42.543
It would it would hard in the house and stuff while we was was was in the house.

00:40:43.172 --> 00:40:43.673
What do you know it?

00:40:45.010 --> 00:40:47.014
It had in the attic for hours.

00:40:47.014 --> 00:40:51.603
It would hard in the attic for hours and then it would pop his head out the hatch.

00:40:52.751 --> 00:40:55.117
But why to hiding for what?

00:40:55.137 --> 00:40:57.322
purpose to see if I was doing anything, to see if I was.

00:40:57.750 --> 00:40:58.711
Cheating the house.

00:40:58.711 --> 00:41:00.797
Yeah, yeah it wants.

00:41:01.117 --> 00:41:06.929
I mean, it once hid under the cupboard and in a cupboard under the stairs and he was in there for hours.

00:41:06.929 --> 00:41:24.737
I didn't know was there, but I kept hearing like tapping noises and it was clearly trying to frighten me to the point where I actually left my house and I got my neighbors to come in my house because somebody was in my house, you know, and we found him in the cupboard under the stairs.

00:41:26.170 --> 00:41:28.398
What was his excuse when you found him?

00:41:28.659 --> 00:41:29.300
He didn't have one.

00:41:31.030 --> 00:41:39.005
He didn't have one, jesus Didn't it was this the reason, then, to scare you to the all.

00:41:39.005 --> 00:41:42.817
My son's a case, trying to make you, make you feel like you go in mad.

00:41:42.817 --> 00:41:52.378
Yeah, do you know what I mean to start to see that you're the one that's losing a little bit, but then actually having a sound reason to feel it when he's behaving in that way.

00:41:52.619 --> 00:41:53.240
Yeah it just.

00:41:53.240 --> 00:41:57.039
I mean, it's when the when the behavior starts like that.

00:41:57.039 --> 00:41:59.175
They had it from people, don't they?

00:41:59.175 --> 00:42:01.603
Everybody used to think I was, you know, it was this great guy.

00:42:01.603 --> 00:42:08.860
This time you're there, but he won and eventually Is behavior just escalated to the point where it won't.00:42:08.860 --> 00:42:18.581


Like I said when he was spitting in my face in front of, like my younger brothers and sisters and stuff, like it's be, if you just escalated and it didn't care, he didn't care what was in front of.00:42:18.581 --> 00:42:22.188


You know, when I'm at work it come in and I wait in a shop.00:42:22.188 --> 00:42:25.699


At the time They'd come in and just spit at me and then walk back out.00:42:27.271 --> 00:42:41.300


Hmm you know, it's hard as a Just, generally as a man to you know, even put yourself in that mindset as to why you would Do that, and I think obviously really just shows that a couple of things.00:42:41.481 --> 00:42:44.376


One Generally sounds like her end.00:42:44.376 --> 00:42:56.902


This person, I think, to be fair, going back to what we talked about with With trauma and modeling our relationships after relationships that we've seen, and it doesn't excuse it by any mean, but I wonder what type of life he had.00:42:56.902 --> 00:42:58.007


Do you know what I mean?00:42:58.007 --> 00:43:02.500


Growing up, I wonder what his, the relationships he was modeling himself after, what was his parents like?00:43:02.500 --> 00:43:03.461


What was his story?00:43:03.461 --> 00:43:16.516


Because there has to be something there for him to think that that is Okay to do or that it's normal to do.00:43:16.516 --> 00:43:26.498


That is do not mean like what, because for someone now Again, someone like myself, you know, to even try and support myself in that position, it's just I Can't do it.00:43:26.498 --> 00:43:37.454


I can't ever think of a reason why, and the only thing I can think of is God knows what his life was like growing up to to be able to think that that's the normal, normal behavior to to betray.00:43:37.594 --> 00:43:38.998


It's not a normal behavior, is it?00:43:39.059 --> 00:43:40.101


absolutely no, you know.00:43:41.990 --> 00:43:48.994


But I ended it in the end, the very, the very last, the very time that I ended it like either he used to body, he used to body shame.00:43:48.994 --> 00:43:52.110


It to the point where I didn't I didn't want him to see my naked anymore.00:43:52.110 --> 00:43:58.849


I just hid away from him, I'd get a bath, I'd locked the door, but then it kicked the door down because I was in the bath.00:43:59.291 --> 00:44:00.434


Hmm and the door.00:44:00.434 --> 00:44:01.335


The door was locked.00:44:01.335 --> 00:44:02.358


Why you in the back of the door?00:44:02.358 --> 00:44:04.123


You know why we're in the back of the door locked.00:44:04.123 --> 00:44:21.094


So the last, the very last time, he kicked the door down while I was in the bathroom and he flicked at me while I was in the bath spot, at me, and At that point I didn't care because I just got out the bath, I had nothing on, and I told him to get up, I told him to get out the house and I was.00:44:21.094 --> 00:44:24.530


I literally was at the door naked and I didn't care, you know.00:44:24.530 --> 00:44:27.858


And he was, he was body shaming me at that point and I just I didn't care.00:44:27.858 --> 00:44:28.460


Hmm.00:44:29.222 --> 00:44:29.862


I did not care.00:44:30.971 --> 00:44:36.864


How much courage did it take to do, and how long had the abuse been going on before you decided this is enough?00:44:38.452 --> 00:44:38.813


years.00:44:38.813 --> 00:44:46.010


It's gone on for years and, yeah, I just, I just had enough.00:44:46.010 --> 00:44:48.297


I just had enough, I had enough.00:44:48.297 --> 00:44:51.454


You know, I've just had enough of him.00:44:51.454 --> 00:44:57.458


There was, there was a point where I wasn't working and he was working, he was spending all the money.00:44:57.458 --> 00:45:00.083


He'd come home with no wages, you know any.00:45:00.083 --> 00:45:02.492


Yeah, he was.00:45:02.492 --> 00:45:02.954


We had.00:45:02.954 --> 00:45:03.655


We had nothing.00:45:03.655 --> 00:45:06.764


We had nothing while I was with him absolutely nothing.00:45:07.628 --> 00:45:08.329


I think go, can I?00:45:08.329 --> 00:45:11.733


I'm a Abusive relationships.00:45:11.733 --> 00:45:16.768


From now outside perspective, people often think, oh, why don't you just leave?00:45:16.768 --> 00:45:18.335


Why can you leave us Something's that happened?00:45:18.335 --> 00:45:20.449


Why did you pull up with what you put up with?00:45:20.449 --> 00:45:23.157


And because this is it, I guess this is the one wants to ask.00:45:23.157 --> 00:45:24.961


You know, you say it lasted years.00:45:24.961 --> 00:45:26.552


Why did it last years?00:45:26.552 --> 00:45:32.599


Because I know for well, if I went home and did anything that was remotely abusive to my wife, she'd like right off you go.00:45:32.599 --> 00:45:34.829


I should be out there in a heartbeat, and rightly so.00:45:35.952 --> 00:45:38.840


Because it's just a gradual why do people stay in these relationships?00:45:38.840 --> 00:45:42.300


They're from someone who's being you can't them the more.00:45:42.990 --> 00:45:46.038


The more abusive that relationship gets, the more intense that gets.00:45:46.038 --> 00:45:47.722


The more you love them, the more you need them.00:45:47.722 --> 00:45:48.190


You can't.00:45:48.190 --> 00:45:51.440


You can't be without them, because you're nothing without them.00:45:51.913 --> 00:45:54.369


Is that what they are portraying on to you, though?00:45:54.369 --> 00:45:58.362


They're projecting that that you are nothing without them and that you do need them.00:45:58.682 --> 00:46:00.750


Yeah, it's like you used to leave me all the time.00:46:00.750 --> 00:46:03.818


Tell me was leaving me and I beg him not to leave me.00:46:03.818 --> 00:46:09.690


I beg him not to leave me Because I thought I needed him, because no, always gonna want me.00:46:09.690 --> 00:46:11.393


You know what you say to me.00:46:11.393 --> 00:46:12.175


You've had two kids.00:46:12.175 --> 00:46:12.878


Look at the state.00:46:12.878 --> 00:46:14.501


Yeah, you fight, you disgusting.00:46:14.501 --> 00:46:16.873


Who's gonna want me?00:46:16.873 --> 00:46:18.438


So I felt like I was nothing.00:46:18.438 --> 00:46:20.865


I just I just felt worthless.00:46:20.865 --> 00:46:23.494


I Felt worthless.00:46:26.271 --> 00:46:26.653


When did?00:46:26.653 --> 00:46:29.434


When you did leave him?00:46:29.434 --> 00:46:36.461


When did you realize that All this stuff you'd gone through was was as wrong as it was?00:46:36.461 --> 00:46:41.565


When did you realize that I Mean, do you look back at it with like, why did I?00:46:41.565 --> 00:46:42.369


Why did I believe him?00:46:42.369 --> 00:46:43.579


Why did I think I needed him?00:46:43.579 --> 00:46:44.867


Why did I tell myself all this?00:46:44.969 --> 00:46:45.391


stuff, do you?00:46:45.472 --> 00:46:48.585


know when did that moment of clarity come, after that relationship of ended of it?00:46:48.605 --> 00:46:55.043


kind of didn't, but For a long time after we'd split up it was it was stalking me.00:46:55.043 --> 00:46:57.769


I would be reporting it to the police.00:46:57.769 --> 00:46:58.612


You know it was.00:46:58.612 --> 00:47:05.960


It was following me on the school runs and I Changed my kids school and he was still following us.00:47:08.731 --> 00:47:13.994


It's bizarre that for someone again dream we talk about if someone who was body shaming and telling is worthless enough of writing what.00:47:13.994 --> 00:47:15.507


What's the reason for stalking you Do you know?00:47:15.507 --> 00:47:20.260


What I mean Is that is that I think it comes to the scare tactic in it.00:47:20.260 --> 00:47:21.443


I think it's the possession.00:47:21.443 --> 00:47:26.460


I think he's got to a point where he sees you was all like almost like some of his property.00:47:26.460 --> 00:47:27.463


Do you know sir?00:47:28.251 --> 00:47:37.117


Yeah, when, when I did get, when I did get in a new relationship which was with my younger two's dad, he started stalking him as well.00:47:37.117 --> 00:48:00.083


And I think it was at that point when he, you know, because he once scared of him and he, you know, he'd jerk it off and say, oh, he's being that again and he's followed me and he was, you know, near my work again or he was behind me and yeah, I just I can't, I can't fathom, I Know that's kind of what I have a lot kind of be here.00:48:00.083 --> 00:48:01.068


No, that's the position.00:48:01.068 --> 00:48:01.550


I've come to know.00:48:01.932 --> 00:48:02.800


I'm trying to.00:48:02.820 --> 00:48:05.534


I've got so many questions, but the question doesn't seem to make sense.00:48:05.534 --> 00:48:07.039


And the reason I think, why don't these questions?00:48:07.039 --> 00:48:08.856


I suppose because the behavior doesn't make sense.00:48:08.856 --> 00:48:10.300


No, none of it ever.00:48:10.300 --> 00:48:26.639


But this is the thing I suppose to the, to the perpetrator and to the victim, and and it's Normalized and it does make sense and it's it's just a weed one to try and get your head around from a fair person perspective, looking in on those relationships and and thinking what created that behavior?00:48:26.639 --> 00:48:28.023


How did how did that come to be?00:48:28.023 --> 00:48:29.052


How did that even happen?00:48:29.052 --> 00:48:30.416


But I guess really.00:48:30.416 --> 00:48:31.641


So you've gone through all this.00:48:31.641 --> 00:48:34.302


What was going on with the substance abuse at this time?00:48:34.302 --> 00:48:35.750


Was you still continuing to use?00:48:36.771 --> 00:48:40.860


Yeah, my did you use substances, more so after the breakup, where?00:48:40.860 --> 00:48:42.123


Was your with that at that point.00:48:42.262 --> 00:48:46.456


Yes, uh, just, yeah, my, my addiction got worse.00:48:46.456 --> 00:48:53.898


Um, I was then Just trying, trying to function and, yeah, my addiction did get worse.00:48:53.898 --> 00:49:05.942


But because I was secretly using it I Was, I was hard on it from everyone and people, people knew I'd go out and use on a weekend but the thought it was recreational.00:49:05.942 --> 00:49:19.353


But then, you know, my, my behavior started to get Not to be normal and you know, I had it, I didn't trust, I didn't trust anybody and I didn't.00:49:19.353 --> 00:49:23.797


I just I couldn't, I didn't trust anyone, I didn't trust anyone.00:49:23.797 --> 00:49:25.340


You know, I was the.00:49:25.661 --> 00:49:46.307


I ended up being the one that was kind of like leading a double life you know, being a drug user and hiding it from, from the person that I was with in the end, but then not trusting him and kind of waiting for that, waiting for him to treat me the way that the last person treated me.00:49:46.655 --> 00:49:47.115


And that's it.00:49:47.115 --> 00:49:52.688


It really does have that domino effect on to other elements of your life and to to forever.00:49:52.688 --> 00:49:59.784


Because if that's normal to you, you kind of expect in it as well, because not all relationships start off abusive.00:49:59.784 --> 00:50:04.507


You know, you hear about a lot of stories where as soon as we got married, it all just hit the, you know, hit the fan.00:50:04.507 --> 00:50:38.110


And there's an element of it where I imagine when, after going for what you've gone for, when starting new relationships, almost like there's a little timer on it, like just waiting for it to go south, waiting for it to go wrong, and if, if it doesn't and I know your current partner, you know from what we've spoken about, you know, previously is it sounds like a really genuine and nice man and there must be part of you that either wants to self sabotage that relationship because before, before they do something wrong to you or you just I could, or I'm just thinking they're going to turn at some point.00:50:38.155 --> 00:50:39.175


Are they going to do something wrong?00:50:39.175 --> 00:50:41.103


Because that is all you've ever experienced?00:50:41.103 --> 00:50:42.501


I imagine that's what happens.00:50:42.501 --> 00:50:54.519


I mean, correct me if I'm wrong on that one, but yeah, with with I'm, I mean I'm quite naive to to amphetamine use in the sense of like, how much was using like?00:50:54.519 --> 00:50:55.443


Can you quantify it?00:50:55.443 --> 00:50:59.987


When people talk about cannabis use, alcohol use, heroin use, it's quite an easy way to quantify.00:50:59.987 --> 00:51:03.985


I'm quite naive to how how much is too much amphetamine really?00:51:05.456 --> 00:51:06.559


I was probably using.00:51:06.559 --> 00:51:20.789


It probably went from I don't know, like an eight per day to a quarter a day, and I wouldn't just go to one dealer because I thought people didn't know that I was an addict.00:51:20.789 --> 00:51:27.706


So I wouldn't just use one dealer, I'd use, I'd use a couple of dealers because I didn't want them to know.00:51:27.706 --> 00:51:44.063


You know, and I've only, I've only kind of realized that just recently, because obviously I work with people who've got alcohol issues and when they tell me that the Dutch issues won't shop and they use several shops because they don't want that shopkeeper to think they're an alcoholic.00:51:44.715 --> 00:51:48.507


When actually that the shopkeeper already knows, because they've got that bottle on the counter.00:51:48.507 --> 00:51:51.338


You know when they walk through the door, and that was.00:51:51.338 --> 00:51:53.525


It was kind of the same thing for me.00:51:53.525 --> 00:51:55.501


I didn't think people knew.00:51:55.501 --> 00:51:57.695


They did know, didn't they?00:51:57.695 --> 00:51:58.902


Because you know.00:51:59.735 --> 00:52:02.922


Amphetamine's quite a obviously quite a broad, broad term for it.00:52:02.922 --> 00:52:12.505


As far as, like stimulants go, was there a particular substance that you was using with the amphetamines or I would, I'd smoke weed and I'd take that.00:52:12.505 --> 00:52:12.945


Yeah.00:52:13.166 --> 00:52:17.521


Yeah, but ones, ones are downer and ones are not up here.00:52:17.521 --> 00:52:21.489


But I never felt, I never felt normal until I'd had both.00:52:21.715 --> 00:52:23.362


Because like ritalin to damp-phetamine, isn't it?00:52:23.362 --> 00:52:24.047


Do you know what she's like?00:52:24.047 --> 00:52:25.574


Used for like ADHD and things like that?00:52:26.619 --> 00:52:27.019


I don't know.00:52:30.463 --> 00:52:32.469


That's the kind of thing when people say, I take amphetamine.00:52:32.528 --> 00:52:32.989


It was just cheap.00:52:32.989 --> 00:52:40.123


Like you know, I'd sometimes use cocaine and stuff when I went out, but the fit was cheap like the speed was cheap.00:52:40.123 --> 00:52:45.505


You could, you know, you could buy quite a, you know, a big amount and it was cheap.00:52:47.047 --> 00:52:47.407


Yeah, I am.00:52:47.407 --> 00:52:54.695


One thing that I'm really naive to is amphetamine, so I think that's partly also just not having the conversations with people around it.00:52:54.695 --> 00:53:05.695


You know, most people I've ever spoken to has been around like opiate dependence, alcohol and things of that nature, so it's interesting to hear it from your perspective.00:53:05.695 --> 00:53:18.146


So I guess, going back to it, there's a lot that's gone on there, a lot of abuse, a lot of different types of abuse, a lot of drug use.00:53:18.146 --> 00:53:23.655


And even you know when, when not in these relationships, there was still the drug use continuing.00:53:23.655 --> 00:53:26.585


Obviously, it didn't just stop with the, with the abusive relationship.00:53:26.585 --> 00:53:36.695


So was there, was there a rock bottom moment where you thought right now, I have to, I'm going to get clean, though, I'm going to stop taking drugs?00:53:36.695 --> 00:53:39.503


You've recently celebrated six years of sobriety.00:53:39.503 --> 00:53:39.884


Yeah.00:53:40.795 --> 00:53:43.159


And what was it that happened, you know, six years ago.00:53:43.159 --> 00:53:47.489


So where you thought right, that might not be the rock bottom moment.00:53:47.489 --> 00:53:50.695


That's the rock bottom moment, and the decision to get clean could have come at two different times.00:53:50.695 --> 00:53:51.980


I've had you tell me.00:53:52.875 --> 00:53:56.384


I'd say me getting clean was more of a light bulb moment.00:53:56.384 --> 00:54:12.889


Yeah yeah, I've had a lot of rock bottom moments which I want to talk about, but I can't talk about because I am worried about the backlash that I'll get and it does involve my children and you know it's not my story to tell.00:54:12.889 --> 00:54:13.655


I'm pretty sure it is.00:54:13.655 --> 00:54:15.541


But yeah, there is, there is.00:54:17.378 --> 00:54:18.661


What was the light bulb moment?00:54:18.661 --> 00:54:21.527


What was the moment when you thought right, I'm doing it this time?00:54:23.436 --> 00:54:30.503


I mean I'd had, I'd had social services involvement quite a lot, but I was quite in denial about my drug use.00:54:30.503 --> 00:54:34.605


I wasn't honest about it because of that fear of having my children taken away.00:54:34.605 --> 00:54:49.150


And I suppose the light bulb moment for me was when I actually admitted I had a problem and I felt like I was able to ask someone to support me because I needed help and I wanted to get clean.00:54:49.150 --> 00:54:51.581


I'd tried getting clean so many times.00:54:51.581 --> 00:54:53.778


My friends had helped me, my family had helped me.00:54:53.778 --> 00:54:57.695


I'd gone to a buddy centre twice, stayed there for a week, because I used to just think if I had a problem I'd go to a buddy centre twice.00:54:57.695 --> 00:55:07.349


I'd stayed there for a week because I used to just think, if I can just if I can just get clean and stop using for a week, I'll be fine.00:55:07.695 --> 00:55:10.641


But then, you know, I'd stop using for the week.00:55:10.641 --> 00:55:22.695


But then I'd use again and I just couldn't get clean and I realised it's because I didn't have no stability and I just thought if I stop using I'll stop moving.00:55:22.695 --> 00:55:23.557


Like I couldn't.00:55:23.557 --> 00:55:25.023


I couldn't get out of bed if I didn't use.00:55:25.023 --> 00:55:28.695


If I didn't use I would be in bed and I would be in bed for days.00:55:28.695 --> 00:55:32.719


I'd be depressed, I'd be crying, I just couldn't function.00:55:32.719 --> 00:55:40.695


And you know, at the time my kids was on a child protection plan and stuff and I just at that time I thought I'd need to keep using because I need to keep going.00:55:41.536 --> 00:55:48.108


And because of a lot of trauma I couldn't deal with and trauma that my children had gone through that I couldn't deal with.00:55:48.108 --> 00:55:50.197


I felt like I needed to.00:55:50.197 --> 00:55:53.746


I just felt like I needed to continue to deal with that.00:55:53.746 --> 00:56:09.251


But probably the point where I realised that I needed to stop was when somebody said to me basically I know what's, you know, I kind of know the summit going on.00:56:09.251 --> 00:56:12.804


It's okay, talk to me like I'll support you.00:56:12.804 --> 00:56:18.382


And that's what I did, you know.00:56:18.382 --> 00:56:21.168


And that was to the safeguarding leader at school.00:56:21.168 --> 00:56:22.858


You know I would.00:56:22.858 --> 00:56:34.342


I'd be having school at the door because my kids weren't on time for years, and then I would moved and the kids had changed school and the safeguarding leader at the new school, you know she'd said to me my door's open.00:56:34.342 --> 00:56:36.505


If you want to talk to me, talk to me.00:56:36.505 --> 00:56:39.150


You know I work, I'm here to support you.00:56:39.150 --> 00:56:42.262


Yeah, yeah.00:56:42.284 --> 00:56:48.695


You know, and I think that's all it can take sometimes, because from what I know, you know for you subsistence issue services, did you like?00:56:49.936 --> 00:56:50.376


I did.00:56:50.376 --> 00:56:53.501


When social services first got involved.00:56:53.501 --> 00:56:59.208


They made me go to groups, they made me go see people about my debt.00:56:59.208 --> 00:57:06.027


But they didn't know the full extent of my drug use because I hid it from them.00:57:06.027 --> 00:57:11.844


They didn't know the full extent of why the drug use was there.00:57:11.844 --> 00:57:13.648


What else was going on in the background.00:57:13.648 --> 00:57:16.699


They didn't know the full extent of all that.00:57:16.699 --> 00:57:28.764


But to be told by someone that it's okay if you're struggling, like talk to me, that kind of like was the breaking point for me.00:57:29.695 --> 00:57:37.628


I think that's it's powerful, isn't it Just that all some people need really is to know that there's someone out there that doesn't judge them or won't judge them.00:57:37.628 --> 00:57:40.860


But I think it comes ultimately again down to stigma.00:57:40.860 --> 00:57:50.512


We know how people in society with substance misuse issues are trapped, and even people you know that are experiencing dependency.00:57:50.512 --> 00:57:51.695


They're aware of the stigma.00:57:52.056 --> 00:57:53.561


They're aware of how people go through.00:57:53.561 --> 00:57:55.849


I never thought I was as bad as other people.00:57:55.869 --> 00:57:56.876


Nobody ever does, do they I?00:57:56.896 --> 00:57:58.181


would go to groups and I would.00:57:58.795 --> 00:58:01.664


Sit around thinking well, I'm not as bad as this person, not as bad as that person.00:58:01.664 --> 00:58:03.039


Everybody does that, doesn't they?00:58:04.215 --> 00:58:09.367


I'm not a smackhead you know, I'm not an alchie and I don't inject and I don't do this.00:58:09.367 --> 00:58:13.724


I didn't think I was as bad as other people were, because I didn't.00:58:13.724 --> 00:58:19.594


I probably didn't realise that I was as dependent as what I was you know.00:58:19.594 --> 00:58:28.447


But then when I got to the point where I did and somebody kind of opened that door for me and said you know, I worked at J.00:58:28.827 --> 00:58:33.577


J talked to me, you know, and I went away and I thought about that.00:58:33.577 --> 00:58:45.056


And then, you know, I knew that door was open and I used that opportunity to go into the school one morning and say look, this is my situation.00:58:45.056 --> 00:58:47.824


You know, I'm an addict, I'm really struggling.00:58:47.824 --> 00:58:48.728


I want to get clean.00:58:48.728 --> 00:58:51.978


I keep trying, but I just cannot function.00:58:51.978 --> 00:58:55.288


I just cannot get through my daily life without using.00:58:55.288 --> 00:58:56.309


I can't do it.00:58:56.309 --> 00:58:58.476


And she supported me.00:58:58.476 --> 00:58:59.217


She didn't judge me.00:58:59.364 --> 00:59:00.668


How did she support you Like?00:59:00.668 --> 00:59:02.193


What did that look like?00:59:02.193 --> 00:59:07.295


I mean, obviously she's a safeguard and lead for a school that there's only X and much that she can do with.00:59:07.295 --> 00:59:09.052


Was she referring you into things?00:59:09.052 --> 00:59:09.737


What did that look?00:59:09.737 --> 00:59:12.126


Like to that journey to actually getting cleaned from.00:59:12.146 --> 00:59:29.634


Yeah, so what she did say was there was a service children's centre and they had a project with Child Dynamics, and she did mention about, you know, needing a focus, you know having a focus to get up every day.00:59:29.634 --> 00:59:53.230


So she mentioned about doing some volunteering and doing some courses and stuff, and I suppose the first thing what she said was trying to get into a routine, just trying to get up every morning, get up at the same time, get up, have a shower, brush your teeth, get dressed, get your kids to school, and if you go home and you sleep all day, that's absolutely fine.00:59:53.931 --> 00:59:55.376


But at least you've achieved some at that day.00:59:55.376 --> 00:59:56.751


But at least you've achieved some at that day.00:59:56.972 --> 00:59:59.664


So for me it was not having the pressure.00:59:59.664 --> 01:00:01.550


You know she didn't judge me.01:00:01.550 --> 01:00:07.190


She didn't say to me you know you're a bad parent and you know you shouldn't be doing it and what you're doing is wrong.01:00:07.190 --> 01:00:21.289


She sympathised with me and said it was okay and said she'll support me and you know, let's just concentrate on the smaller things, which was a massive thing for me because I couldn't function and I couldn't get up in the morning.01:00:21.289 --> 01:00:31.032


So that was the first thing that I focused on was just getting up in the morning, getting a shower and getting some clean clothes or getting some clean pajamas, getting my kids to school on time.01:00:31.032 --> 01:00:45.655


And then she referred me on to Child Dynamics to do some volunteering and that's when I started doing some courses and stuff I was still using at the very beginning, you know, like when I was attending these courses.01:00:45.655 --> 01:00:55.112


But the days I was attending the courses I wasn't using and my usage became not daily like it was, but still on them days.01:00:55.152 --> 01:00:55.936


It's a low reduction.01:00:55.936 --> 01:00:59.791


In that, it's because you're actually filling your days with something meaningful.01:00:59.811 --> 01:01:05.851


Yeah, but still on them days like I was really, I was struggling to stay awake and stuff.01:01:05.851 --> 01:01:22.836


I can remember actually like being on these courses and you know I was really tired, I was nodding off, I was falling asleep and I'd have to get up sometimes and go outside and you know the girls who was running the service, you know they'd come out and ask if I was okay and I'd just say I'm tired, I'm not feeling very well and stuff.01:01:22.836 --> 01:01:30.947


But I just knew that I needed to start somewhere, not using just on the days that I was doing a course or doing some training.01:01:30.947 --> 01:01:35.536


You know that was a start for me and that's how I did it.01:01:35.824 --> 01:01:36.025


Good.01:01:36.025 --> 01:01:38.313


What was the next step on from those courses?01:01:38.313 --> 01:01:39.215


Where did you go next?01:01:40.905 --> 01:02:04.657


So on the courses I was doing, obviously I started getting like certificates from them and you know I started getting a bit of a buzz out of that and I did the Pia mentor like as a parent support worker for that project and I got allocated my first family, you know.01:02:04.657 --> 01:02:22.704


By that point I'd given up the drugs, starting from getting up in the morning, having that routine of just getting up and, you know, going on a course like one day a week and then an afternoon, and you know one afternoon a week and then a morning once a week and stuff.01:02:23.608 --> 01:02:27.565


And then started to fill your days with enough stuff to not feel the need to be used.01:02:27.625 --> 01:02:40.208


You know and at that point, like I didn't even have a car, at that point, my partner well, my husband now he bought me a push bike and I got allocated, like my first lady to work with.01:02:40.208 --> 01:02:56.619


And I started working with this lady, started, you know, going around to a house supporting her as a Pia support, and I quickly noticed that something was not quite right.01:02:56.619 --> 01:03:04.367


There was an occasion where I was with this lady and her partner came home and they helped the other body.01:03:04.367 --> 01:03:06.731


You know everything about it just changed.01:03:06.731 --> 01:03:22.559


So together we got some advice and I ended up taking her to Preston Road Women's Centre, which is the domestic abuse service, started supporting her attending there and then started from there.01:03:22.559 --> 01:03:25.788


Really, there was the women's centre run courses as well.01:03:25.788 --> 01:03:31.478


So I actually supported this lady to start doing a course there.01:03:31.478 --> 01:03:45.760


But then it was a self development course and I wanted I wanted to do that course myself and I'll always remember the first day that I walked in with this client that I was working with and I walked in there and I said I love this place Like this is where I want to work.01:03:46.302 --> 01:03:49.469


One day I'm going to work here, and it just stemmed from there.01:03:49.469 --> 01:04:00.958


Really, I was volunteering at Child Dynamics, I'd you know I'd been allocated another, another family to work with another lady, so I was supporting another lady.01:04:00.958 --> 01:04:15.648


And then I started doing some courses at Preston Road Women's Centre, did the self development course, which then led me on to do like interview skills and CV building, and then I wanted to volunteer there.01:04:15.648 --> 01:04:17.132


I knew that was the way.01:04:17.132 --> 01:04:18.217


You know that was.01:04:19.121 --> 01:04:37.615


That was where I wanted to work and the way you know, I wanted to get my foot in the door, so I wanted to volunteer there and I started volunteering there as well, and then a job came up, so volunteering I did.01:04:37.615 --> 01:04:40.541


I did one shift on reception volunteering.01:04:41.842 --> 01:04:49.692


And then the job came up for a full time receptionist that never had a full time reception they had always been run by volunteers and I wanted that job.01:04:49.692 --> 01:04:52.257


I wanted that job and that job was going to be mine.01:04:52.257 --> 01:05:06.586


So I applied for it and got shortlisted for it and then I had two weeks to prepare for that interview and everything that I'd learned from the CV, cv building course, the self development course.01:05:06.586 --> 01:05:10.862


You know the lady that ran the course there she was, she was course there, so she was absolutely amazing.01:05:10.862 --> 01:05:13.641


She really did get the best out of me.01:05:13.815 --> 01:05:24.157


I can always remember one time she'd asked in this course about you know something that we're proud of, something that we've achieved, and I kind of said, well, I've never achieved anything.01:05:24.157 --> 01:05:26.565


And she said you know, there must be something.01:05:26.565 --> 01:05:29.873


You know you must, there must be something like.01:05:29.873 --> 01:05:33.568


And I said, well, you know, I'm a recovering addict.01:05:33.568 --> 01:05:35.371


I said I've been clean for nine months.01:05:35.371 --> 01:05:40.773


And her face and she was like wow, like that is, that is amazing.01:05:40.773 --> 01:05:50.485


And it was the first time that I probably said it out loud and somebody actually told me you know, that is amazing, you know, that is something to be proud of.01:05:50.485 --> 01:06:01.117


And it kind of made me think, you know it is, and she just, she just got the best out of me and she, you know, she just made me realise that actually, you know, I had a lot to offer.01:06:01.177 --> 01:06:10.440


So, but yeah, I applied for this, I applied for the reception job, and then I got an email to say that I had an interview and I had two weeks to prep for this interview.01:06:10.440 --> 01:06:13.190


And I literally prepped every single day for this interview.01:06:13.190 --> 01:06:17.626


I researched, I researched the charity, I researched all the funders.01:06:17.626 --> 01:06:20.253


I was watching YouTube videos every day.01:06:20.253 --> 01:06:23.969


I was falling to sleep watching YouTube videos because I wanted this job.01:06:24.351 --> 01:06:39.806


Like I'd drive past there and I'd look and I'd think, like I'm going to work Very determined, to do it Very determined, and I kind of knew that job was going to be mine and I just wanted to do everything in my power to get that job and so how long did you do it for after you got it?01:06:39.806 --> 01:06:41.653


The job.01:06:41.773 --> 01:06:43.701


So that's what you tell me.01:06:43.701 --> 01:06:45.166


After all this prep, I was on there for weeks.01:06:45.527 --> 01:06:47.012


No, no, I was no sir.01:06:47.012 --> 01:06:49.360


I had the reception job for two years.01:06:49.360 --> 01:06:50.043


That's brilliant.01:06:50.043 --> 01:06:59.795


It's a long time for me, yeah, and it just built my confidence up and you know, I started getting responsibilities there and it just it made me start looking at my life.01:06:59.795 --> 01:07:03.614


I'm thinking, you know what, like I have achieved something you know, it's my fit.01:07:03.934 --> 01:07:14.050


I hadn't worked for 10 years and the last job interview that I had, previous to that, I'd gone for a job interview at school because I've been into college and I wanted to be a teaching assistant.01:07:14.050 --> 01:07:18.389


I'd done my level one, I'd done my level two and I'd gone for this.01:07:18.389 --> 01:07:25.657


I was still in addiction at this point and I'd gone for this job interview because I was thinking, if I get a job, it's going to, it's going to stop my addiction.01:07:27.706 --> 01:07:31.405


You know, clearly it wouldn't have done anywhere because, I, you know I wouldn't have got the job anywhere.01:07:31.405 --> 01:07:38.487


But then I'd gone for this job interview at school and I fell to pieces in the interview and I just sat and cried.01:07:38.487 --> 01:07:39.230


There was.01:07:39.431 --> 01:07:48.211


There was literally a panel of three people interviewing me and I just sat and cried and I just like had a massive breakdown in this job interview and that stayed with me for a long time.01:07:48.211 --> 01:07:52.266


And you know, I didn't up until getting this job at the Women's Centre.01:07:52.266 --> 01:07:53.951


I hadn't worked for 10 years.01:07:53.951 --> 01:07:57.889


Like it put me off applying for jobs, like it just just took my confidence away.01:07:57.889 --> 01:08:06.094


But yeah, then when I got this job at the Women's Centre, worked there for two years and then while I was working there and it was, it was during lockdown as well.01:08:06.094 --> 01:08:12.389


So I started volunteering upstairs, I started supporting the women that was coming into the centre, I started chatting with them.01:08:12.389 --> 01:08:21.599


You know, I'd make them a cup of tea, I'd be getting the food parcels together, I'd be sorting out the stuff that they needed you know when there was fleeing and going into the properties and stuff.01:08:22.221 --> 01:08:25.792


And then I just thought, like you know, I've kind of outgrown this job.01:08:25.792 --> 01:08:30.613


Now I want to, I want to job upstairs, I want to, I want to work in that, I want to work in that team.01:08:30.613 --> 01:08:38.335


And so job came up as a housing support worker in the domestic abuse team, you know, like a crisis worker.01:08:38.335 --> 01:08:42.511


So I applied for that job and, yeah, I ended up doing that for about 13 months.01:08:44.396 --> 01:08:49.612


So obviously you've now here working at Change, grow Live and the Renewal Service.01:08:49.612 --> 01:08:51.579


What made you do that job then?01:08:51.579 --> 01:09:00.047


To do something specifically in substance misuse, because I guess, based on your lived experience, you know the domestic abuse has been a big part of it.01:09:00.047 --> 01:09:07.192


What was the reason for now moving into more substance abuse and, I guess, based treatment and working, working in this place?01:09:08.636 --> 01:09:12.046


I suppose all my life I never knew what I wanted to do.01:09:12.046 --> 01:09:20.184


And then, obviously, working, working at the Women's Centre, and it just it was.01:09:20.444 --> 01:09:25.246


it was literally the making of me you know the women that was there that I worked with, absolutely amazing.01:09:25.246 --> 01:09:26.408


There was all empowering.01:09:26.408 --> 01:09:27.270


You know.01:09:27.270 --> 01:09:44.829


Eventually I disclosed bad drug abuse to the you know, like my circle of friends there and stuff and what one of one of the ladies that I worked with she'd she'd left there and gone away and work somewhere else and she'd seen the job on Indeed and she sent it to me.01:09:45.171 --> 01:09:48.221


And she said this this job's for you apply for.01:09:48.221 --> 01:09:48.904


It's perfect.01:09:48.904 --> 01:09:51.412


And I did.01:09:51.412 --> 01:09:54.844


I just she'd sent me on my phone and I'll always remember as well.01:09:54.844 --> 01:09:55.265


It was a Wednesday.01:09:55.265 --> 01:09:57.836


I was just laid on my bed.01:09:57.836 --> 01:10:00.426


She sent me this job to apply for, clicked on it and I just I applied for it there.01:10:00.426 --> 01:10:03.702


And then I just applied for it and was you wanting to leave?01:10:03.721 --> 01:10:09.078


the Women's Centre at that time, or was it just a case of the job was too good to turn down?01:10:09.078 --> 01:10:12.917


It sounds like you do know somewhere.01:10:12.917 --> 01:10:14.385


I just I guess what I'm trying to get is that sound like?01:10:15.748 --> 01:10:17.293


that was somewhere where you really wanted to work.01:10:17.293 --> 01:10:21.912


I got to a point where I'd outgrown it Like I wanted more.01:10:21.912 --> 01:10:22.175


There was.01:10:22.175 --> 01:10:25.591


There was no progression for me there you could do yeah, and you know, I'm not.01:10:26.132 --> 01:10:33.372


I just I always kind of dreamed about working for services, but I didn't have a clue how to get involved with it.01:10:33.372 --> 01:10:35.095


I want to know how to like.01:10:35.095 --> 01:10:35.938


I just didn't.01:10:35.938 --> 01:10:38.452


I didn't know how to go about it.01:10:38.452 --> 01:10:48.404


But yeah, I'd got to a point where I wanted to change and I wanted to do something else, but I didn't know there was any other, I didn't know what opportunities was out there.01:10:48.404 --> 01:10:52.332


But, yeah, somebody, somebody, send him that job, just on a whim.01:10:52.332 --> 01:10:57.618


And as soon as I read the job description I just felt like it's perfect.01:10:57.858 --> 01:10:59.422


So tell me a little bit about the job then.01:10:59.422 --> 01:11:02.949


What is the role of the DWP peer mentor?01:11:04.993 --> 01:11:15.555


So basically it's, I'm a support worker for people that are on benefits that are struggling with substance issues, drug and alcohol issues.01:11:15.555 --> 01:11:19.150


It's kind of like early intervention you know getting.01:11:19.150 --> 01:11:23.505


I'm wanting to target them people that are on benefits.01:11:23.505 --> 01:11:31.831


You know that I've got the drug and alcohol issues that have not yet disclosed, that they've got them issues or they don't know that they've got them issues.01:11:31.831 --> 01:11:34.195


Some of you can really relate to.01:11:35.225 --> 01:11:38.685


You know, just give them some reassurance you know there's they're not going to be judged.01:11:38.685 --> 01:11:41.190


You know, bring, bring I'll.01:11:41.190 --> 01:11:44.398


You know, just bring in, bringing them into the service.01:11:44.805 --> 01:11:53.877


How many, how many of these people do you often think are confident in disclosing that they've got substance misuse issues to the DWP, because of stigma, you know, and the shame that comes with it?01:11:53.877 --> 01:12:00.712


I mean, if I was going for I found it really difficult to say to my white coach, yeah, I've got a drug addiction problem.01:12:00.712 --> 01:12:02.925


I didn't think they're going to sanction me off my benefits.01:12:02.925 --> 01:12:08.305


So I'm like, because technically I can't work if I've, if I'm, you know, under the influence.01:12:09.067 --> 01:12:14.908


This is where I come into it and it's a breakdown that the barriers between the job centre and addiction services.01:12:15.409 --> 01:12:15.911


How do I do?01:12:16.011 --> 01:12:16.091


it.01:12:16.091 --> 01:12:22.676


Yeah, how can you increase confidence in you know, in someone, in being able to disclose that information to the job centre?01:12:23.585 --> 01:12:27.072


By by being a peer mentor.01:12:27.072 --> 01:12:32.289


You know it's, it's telling them people that actually I've got lived experience of addiction.01:12:32.289 --> 01:12:36.284


You know and I've been where you've been and you know let me support you.01:12:37.489 --> 01:12:41.246


So what sort of things do you do then, really, as the do you have to do so?01:12:41.466 --> 01:12:47.747


it can be anything from the basic things of being in a routine, you know, helping them with.01:12:47.747 --> 01:12:48.631


You know some.01:12:48.631 --> 01:12:54.457


I know for me when I was in it, obviously when I was an addiction you know the bills and all that was mounting up.01:12:54.457 --> 01:12:55.523


You know I was in loads of data.01:12:55.523 --> 01:12:56.345


I couldn't function.01:12:56.345 --> 01:12:57.288


There was no routine.01:12:57.288 --> 01:13:02.271


So for me it's just starting with them basics of helping them get into a routine.01:13:02.271 --> 01:13:02.795


You know what.01:13:02.795 --> 01:13:05.024


You know what debts, what debts have you got?01:13:05.024 --> 01:13:06.447


What have you fallen behind on.01:13:06.908 --> 01:13:13.643


So just supporting them, like Setting up the utility bills, you know, getting in a routine, getting into the habit of coming to appointments.01:13:13.643 --> 01:13:14.771


You know I can.01:13:14.771 --> 01:13:37.069


I'm assisting people, going to the job center with them to the appointments and actually you know Breaking down that barrier of job center and addiction services and supporting them through that process of disclosing to the work coach and you know work, working alongside the addiction service as well and just letting them know what that person's going through.01:13:37.069 --> 01:13:50.599


You know, letting them know that actually this person's turning up for appointments, this person's been really struggling but they're trying and this is this is the support I'm giving them to try and just giving them more of an understanding of what that person's going through.01:13:50.599 --> 01:13:59.520


You know, giving them appointments first thing in the morning and back and actually support that person to say to the work coach, well, actually this person can't function first thing in the morning.01:13:59.942 --> 01:14:13.770


This person needs an appointment in an afternoon, yeah, and so it can be anything put it, just handholding them with the referrals you know they might need Mental health support, so it's not actually sending them away and saying you need to refer yourself to these places.01:14:13.770 --> 01:14:16.050


You know, let's go, let's do it together.01:14:16.430 --> 01:14:19.981


I think that the best part about all this is based on what you're doing now.01:14:19.981 --> 01:14:38.662


These are the sort of things that, when you finally disclose to the safeguard and lead what issues you had, she kind of did the same thing there for you giving you small dinner, smart goals yeah, giving you those and and that was enough to really set you on to the path as to where you are now.01:14:38.662 --> 01:14:43.189


And now You're paying it forward and doing that exact same thing for other people as well.01:14:43.210 --> 01:14:47.362


It's just giving, giving people that support that I believe that I needed at that time.01:14:47.362 --> 01:15:03.338


You know, and I Think, once I sit, you know, when I'm speaking to people and I say to them look, I've got lived experience and I've been where you are and I get it the tender thing like, oh, I didn't, I didn't know the support was available.01:15:03.338 --> 01:15:08.596


And, you know, supporting him, even coming coming into service.01:15:08.596 --> 01:15:20.203


You know when, when, when I was told that I needed to self refer to the addiction service, like I Was scared, I didn't want to, like I was, I was scared of being judged.01:15:20.203 --> 01:15:29.518


If I'd have had that person that I'd said you know, let me support you, Let me let me come with you, you know I'll attend that appointment with you, then it would have been less scary for me.01:15:29.518 --> 01:15:34.853


And so, just reassuring them that you know I've been where you are, there's, there's no judgment.01:15:34.853 --> 01:15:43.279


You know, let's do this together and let's just, like you say them smart goals of just taking them small steps, you know, one one day at a time.01:15:44.032 --> 01:15:50.730


And obviously you've helped with things like funding as well as you know helping people get the basics for truce as washing machines, you know.01:15:51.152 --> 01:16:09.954


Tell me a little bit about that, then so the there's people out there that are in addiction and it's because you know the scared or the they've got alcohol issues because the scared to go out, or the you know they've just got no confidence because they're lacking them basic the app, the basic needs that being met.01:16:09.954 --> 01:16:10.305


You know.01:16:10.380 --> 01:16:12.876


I've worked with someone who didn't have a washing machine.01:16:12.876 --> 01:16:19.873


You know they didn't have no and gas supply, so they've no hot running water, just small things like that.01:16:19.873 --> 01:16:22.378


You know that the two ashamed to ask for.01:16:22.378 --> 01:16:31.770


So once I build up that relationship with that person and then, you know, they open up to me and I get a full understanding of actually, you know what.01:16:31.770 --> 01:16:33.095


Where is this issue come from?01:16:33.095 --> 01:16:33.716


You know why.01:16:33.716 --> 01:16:34.377


Why are you?01:16:34.377 --> 01:16:35.841


Why are you turning to alcohol?01:16:35.841 --> 01:16:36.171


Why?01:16:36.171 --> 01:16:41.042


Why do you need that confidence to be able to, you know, go to your job center appointment or to leave the house?01:16:41.042 --> 01:16:51.895


You know, and it turns out that they're just, you know, for some people they just, they just have haven't had the basic needs met but, the two ashamed to ask for it, and that's kind of where I come into it.01:16:52.337 --> 01:17:01.378


Um, you know, identifying what, what the need, what the you know, and, just yeah, supporting them with and you've been doing this job nearly a year now.01:17:01.800 --> 01:17:03.944


Tell me what you, what do you enjoy about it?01:17:05.770 --> 01:17:07.515


Just being able to be myself.01:17:07.515 --> 01:17:12.670


You know, it's the fact that I can speak to them about my own lived experience is.01:17:12.670 --> 01:17:17.025


You know I get paid to come to work where I can be myself.01:17:17.025 --> 01:17:17.528


I don't have to.01:17:17.528 --> 01:17:18.090


How do I am?01:17:18.551 --> 01:17:22.890


I don't have to feel ashamed, and that's kind of what I want to inspire them people to do.01:17:22.890 --> 01:17:29.436


You know, don't be, don't be ashamed to say that you need support or ask for support, because it's nothing to be ashamed of.01:17:29.436 --> 01:17:31.144


And you know, we all need a bit.01:17:31.144 --> 01:17:32.931


We all need a bit of help sometimes, don't we?01:17:32.952 --> 01:17:47.003


I think the summit really Beautiful in the sense that you are getting paid to to be yourself, yeah, to think of everything that you've gone through and and obviously all the levels of trauma and the substance abuse and and how.01:17:47.003 --> 01:17:52.453


All those things that were about one point and you know you could.01:17:52.472 --> 01:18:05.532


You could maybe self-identify as it being a weakness to yourself is now your biggest strength in helping other people, I think that's, that's great you know, get get into a point in my life where I don't have to be ashamed about my addiction anymore and I can.01:18:05.532 --> 01:18:12.091


I can promote that to people that I'm working with and inspire them and give them hope that actually, you know, I've.01:18:12.091 --> 01:18:15.421


I've got no qualifications to do this job, I've just got life experience.01:18:16.051 --> 01:18:18.878


So you're recently celebrating six years of sobriety.01:18:18.878 --> 01:18:27.997


So what are some of the Contributing facts as what are some of the things that you've got in your life that are able to provide you with the stability that you never had whilst you was in addiction?01:18:28.871 --> 01:18:38.235


And definitely it was meeting my partner and obviously as my husband now, paul, and Met him seven years ago.01:18:38.296 --> 01:18:39.439


So I was still in addiction.01:18:39.439 --> 01:18:51.373


I was in addiction for I think it was like 11 months after being with him, but just meeting someone who didn't judge me and just, you know, saw that I was worth something.01:18:51.373 --> 01:18:57.095


And you know, like I said, my relationships with men previously you know it was it was always about sex and stuff.01:18:57.095 --> 01:19:14.737


But I'll always remember like the first, the first time I, like I went on a date with him and I was staying at his apartment, when I lived, lived in an apartment, and but you know he'd said to me you know, there's a present in the top drawer for you and it won't what I was expecting.01:19:14.737 --> 01:19:19.935


You know, when any man said that to me, it was always, you know, like Underwear and stuff.01:19:19.935 --> 01:19:33.055


But the fact that he'd bought me some pajamas and a bottle of perfume and actually said to me you know, I don't, I don't just want you for that, like like I want, you know, I want to get to know you and you know I don't, I don't just want you for sex.01:19:33.336 --> 01:19:37.274


Yeah, not just as not just a simple transaction which, to be fair, is about the sounds of.01:19:37.274 --> 01:19:42.055


It seems what a lot of these relationships had been was very transactional around sex.01:19:42.055 --> 01:19:44.505


I imagine that was a massive difference of Paul and.01:19:44.505 --> 01:19:45.810


Peter, marry him, obviously, I imagine.01:19:45.890 --> 01:19:49.243


Yeah, how long you've been married and we've been married for two years.01:19:49.243 --> 01:19:53.779


In May and it was just yeah, it was just, it was just different from any other man that I'd been with.01:19:53.779 --> 01:20:05.850


You know, and even like the first, the first couple of times I'd met him and stuff and I'd sent him a text message, but, you know, just saying, you know, well, you will have a night out, take me to a fancy hotel and stuff.01:20:05.930 --> 01:20:10.440


And he was like absolutely not, I'd like, I don't, I don't just want you for the night.01:20:10.440 --> 01:20:15.824


I really like you and yeah, and just giving me that stability and that self-worth.01:20:15.886 --> 01:20:17.210


I was gonna say giving you the self-worth.01:20:17.210 --> 01:20:17.992


Yeah you've never.01:20:17.992 --> 01:20:24.474


You've never had pride so that and I guess it comes into what we're saying about the Purposely sabotaging relationships.01:20:24.474 --> 01:20:26.779


I'm sure that came into play with Paul and at some point.01:20:26.779 --> 01:20:28.382


What did that happen early on?01:20:30.072 --> 01:20:31.296


No, do you know what it never did?01:20:31.296 --> 01:20:32.621


Really it never did.01:20:32.621 --> 01:20:33.063


That's great.01:20:34.519 --> 01:20:34.658


Cuz.01:20:34.658 --> 01:20:41.550


I think that's the thing that you see the most is People purposely sabotaging relationships and they've got good things after being in abusive relationships for so long.01:20:41.609 --> 01:20:46.181


Previously previously to him, like I did, sabotage every relationship that I had.01:20:46.181 --> 01:20:48.597


There was just something different about him.01:20:48.597 --> 01:20:49.783


You know I was.01:20:49.783 --> 01:20:51.270


I was up front, I was honest with him.01:20:51.270 --> 01:20:52.475


I told him I was an addict.01:20:52.475 --> 01:20:59.091


You know this is a situation I mean, you know I'm I'm pretty much, you know I'm pretty screwed up, and he won't bother.01:20:59.112 --> 01:21:00.154


What was that like them?01:21:00.154 --> 01:21:03.443


First, 11 months with Paul, and when you explain that he was an addict to him.01:21:04.212 --> 01:21:05.595


Um, well, he tried to help me.01:21:05.595 --> 01:21:10.313


I remember, with it taking me, I'm it taking me to the.01:21:10.313 --> 01:21:23.740


I'd previously visited and the Buddhist Center for a week and did like a working visit later Because I initially thought, if I can just go away and stop taking it for a week, like that would make me clean, and I tried it and I'd failed.01:21:23.740 --> 01:21:37.695


But then, yeah, I'd met him and you know I'd said to my wanted to give it a go and stuff, and you know it took me to this Buddhist Center and you know I'd stayed there for a week, but you know I come back and I relapsed.01:21:37.695 --> 01:21:56.073


But I think it was at that point that I realized that actually it's, it's not just about, it's not just about stopping using and everything's gonna be okay, it's about just having that address the ability and having you know some it to focus on, which I think that's why me doing the Volunteering and stuff like that.01:21:56.694 --> 01:22:09.529


I think that just kind of give me a purpose and give me a reason To get clean, and so many people do that they go to detox or rehab Outside of the city where they're from and they think that kind of all the problems gonna go away with that.01:22:09.529 --> 01:22:12.599


But there's such a.01:22:12.599 --> 01:22:15.970


I mean I always say the addiction itself is that's the safest level stuff.01:22:15.970 --> 01:22:21.109


It's addressing all that stuff underneath it to stop a no lapse or a relapse from happening.01:22:22.814 --> 01:22:24.699


Yeah, that's the hard part isn't it, do you?01:22:24.720 --> 01:22:28.050


know, people come to detox often say especially like if he's alcohol, detox is an example.01:22:28.050 --> 01:22:40.689


That's the easy part, because you're in a safe environment where there's no alcohol, yeah, but you come home and then you go to shop on the weekend, and then you have to be faced with Adverts and aisles of alcohol, you know, which are just screaming like three for two, one crores.01:22:40.689 --> 01:22:47.869


So do you know there's all this stuff and said that's the difficult part and I think In a way you have to, you know, address those underlining.01:22:49.577 --> 01:23:08.283


And I did like like I said like quickly to yeah, I didn't, I didn't use to up my meals, I just like I'd get accumulated and stuff, and then I would, you know, I'd just, you know, I'd have bailiffs at my door and stuff, even when I was with Paul and you know, kind of just, you know, let's, let's pay it, let's, let's just sort out, let's stop ignoring it.01:23:08.283 --> 01:23:10.109


And you know, let's just address it.01:23:10.109 --> 01:23:13.578


And you know, gradually I did he sounds like a wonderful man.01:23:13.578 --> 01:23:14.319


Oh, it's great.01:23:14.319 --> 01:23:15.502


That's why I married him.01:23:17.369 --> 01:23:20.304


KC, thank you so much for coming on the podcast.01:23:20.304 --> 01:23:30.561


I like to finish all my podcasts with a series of questions that questions that I ask all my guests and and quick fire questions, nothing to do with anything that we've spoken about so far.01:23:30.561 --> 01:23:34.100


So my quest, my first question, is what's your favorite word?01:23:35.572 --> 01:23:36.576


my favorite word.01:23:39.131 --> 01:23:42.684


It's more of a quote, probably give me a quote that would be quite interesting to.01:23:42.684 --> 01:23:44.652


A favorite quote is what it is Go on.01:23:45.154 --> 01:23:45.695


It is what it is.01:23:45.695 --> 01:23:47.001


It is what it is nice.01:23:47.523 --> 01:23:49.170


Yeah what's your least favorite word?01:23:56.659 --> 01:24:01.225


I can't think off the top of my head what my least favorite word is you must have one that you're hearing moist, moist.01:24:01.225 --> 01:24:03.734


That's a common one, but I'll take it.01:24:04.175 --> 01:24:05.377


Tell me something that excites you.01:24:08.422 --> 01:24:09.043


Coming to work.01:24:09.043 --> 01:24:24.259


I like that coming to work and working with people and inspiring other people and giving people hope and, like I said, just yeah, being paid to do a job that I absolutely love, surrounded by inspiring people and, you know, giving people hope that's what.01:24:24.279 --> 01:24:26.222


That's the one my favorite answers to this question.01:24:26.222 --> 01:24:28.596


Tell me something that doesn't excite you.01:24:28.596 --> 01:24:33.399


Doesn't excite me days off annually by the sun.01:24:36.190 --> 01:24:37.435


That doesn't excite me.01:24:37.435 --> 01:24:42.094


Again, I can't.01:24:42.094 --> 01:24:46.180


There must be something that you just think oh god, I can't be asked with that.01:24:46.180 --> 01:24:53.381


Washing washing yeah, my husband does all the washing, so yeah, that really doesn't excite me.01:24:53.481 --> 01:24:54.804


What sound or noise do you love?01:24:58.211 --> 01:25:04.061


I'd say white noise at the minute because I can only sleep with Like the fan on, so I love that noise.01:25:04.463 --> 01:25:05.649


What sound or noise do you hate?01:25:10.255 --> 01:25:16.121


When people are eating chewing chewing with a mouth's open, yeah what's your favorite case word?01:25:16.121 --> 01:25:21.006


Can I see it?01:25:21.251 --> 01:25:22.456


Can I just kind of masking you the question?01:25:22.456 --> 01:25:24.393


It's a problem, man.01:25:24.393 --> 01:25:31.063


And if you wasn't doing this as a DWP, pimentel, what profession or job would you like to attempt?01:25:32.974 --> 01:25:35.158


I would love to be a counselor.01:25:35.158 --> 01:25:36.239


Thank, you.01:25:36.239 --> 01:25:38.003


That is my long-term goal.01:25:38.730 --> 01:25:44.170


Kesty, thank you so much for being on the believe in people podcast and thank you for being so open about these things as well.01:25:44.170 --> 01:25:51.903


It's been much appreciated, and if you've enjoyed this episode of the believe in people podcast, then please check out our other episodes and hit that subscribe button.01:25:51.903 --> 01:25:59.326


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