#43 - Amy Jo Johnson: Alcohol Free & Loving Life

Transcript

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This is a renew original recording.

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Hello and welcome to the Believe in People podcast.

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My name is Matthew Butler and I'm your host, or, as I like to say, your facilitator.

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Today, we're in conversation with Amy Jo Johnson, actress, singer, writer and filmmaker best known for her role as the original Pink Ranger in the worldwide hit 90s television series Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

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Together, we delve into Amy Jo's decision to abstain from alcohol, viewing it not as an obligation but as an empowering choice that has fundamentally reshaped her life.

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Amy Jo's narrative encompasses her upbringing in a religious cult, her father's battle with alcoholism and the profound impact of these experiences on her life's trajectory.

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Amy Jo, thank you so much for joining us on the Believe in People podcast.

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First of all, how are you?

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I'm okay, I'm okay 'm okay, I'm.

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You know, we're in aberdeen right now, right, and so I have a little bit of jet lag, mixed with the full moon, mixed with too much information, menopause and I am, so I've just found myself very spacey and emotional all day, so if I cry, I apologize, no, don't.

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You wouldn't be the first person to cry on this podcast.

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Don't worry about that yeah, yeah, yeah, especially with the subject matter.

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Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah.

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How was the convention?

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It was fun.

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It was you know it was, maybe you don't know it was.

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Everybody was super sweet and very nice and, um, it was.

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And I got to see a really good friend of mine that I haven't seen, oh my gosh, in almost 20 years.

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Her name is tea.

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I met her.

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She's from bosnia and she lives in scotland now and she came and she assisted me at the convention.

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It was pretty cool.

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I hadn't seen her in forever yeah, I met her when she was a child wow, yeah.

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So yeah, that would have been quite fun 20 years later to see them again.

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Yeah, I used to go to the first time I went.

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I went as a volunteer for this summer camp in 1998, um and I met her little sister and then we fell in love.

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She's like a soul sister.

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And then I just kept coming back um to bosnia like six times and just fell in love with their family.

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And then I've just finally reconnected with Taya, anyway.

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Nice, this is really nice, lovely stuff.

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So April 28th, you are two years sober on that day, is that right?

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Yeah, I mean sober.

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I don't know that's such a heavy loaded word for me.

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It is quite a loaded word for people.

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Yeah, For me it.

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It's been two years since I decided I don't want to drink anymore.

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And it's my choice and at any point I could change my mind if I wanted to and I think that's helpful for me.

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Yes, because I have no desire and it sort of gives me the control.

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I feel as well, and it has been almost two years.

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May 23rd is the day that I was like I'm done and I feel like, within those two years, the confidence within even talking about that is now really because I'm so comfortable with not drinking now.

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It's such a part of my life now that I, I, um, I, I, I, yeah.

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I guess I just have more confidence around that, like the first year it was like I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to disappoint maybe myself or somebody else, or, but now I, I have absolutely no interest.

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it's good to say that about the label, though because I, I too, found that when I attach a label to something, it becomes really hard to do.

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Here in the uk we have a annual campaign called dry january where people give up alcohol for a month.

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I probably do that subconsciously a lot, but if I say to myself I'm going to do dry january, all I will want is to, I'll probably get cravings to have an alcoholic drink.

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Yeah, so the label of it of saying I'm doing this or I'm committing to this, I found that quite hard.

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So it's nice that you have that, the flippancy that you could you know yeah.

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So that was advice given to me from a mentor of mine.

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His name is robert, but when I first decided to quit two years ago, I was really struggling for the first maybe three weeks and I actually called him and I was just like, not that I wanted a drink, but it was just like almost like a mind fuck happening for me.

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And I called him and I'm like I'm driving myself crazy.

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He goes well, what is it?

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And I was like I just I, you know, I say I'm not going to drink anymore.

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But it's like it's making me crazy.

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And and he said, then go have a drink.

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You're allowed to go have a drink.

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And I was like, but I don't want one.

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He goes great yeah, now it's been I don't even want one, and he's like yeah, so just tell yourself you can, but you just don't want one.

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So that works for me and it has worked good.

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Um, at the one year mark, you decided to share a profound statement that reached hundreds of thousands, if not millions.

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Um, I'm gonna read it out, actually, because I've got it here.

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It says here a year ago, I found myself struggling to stay okay.

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I was perpetually depressed, I had anxiety and it was scaring the shit out of me.

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I knew I needed to blow something up in my life.

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I knew I needed a drastic change.

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So, instead of breaking up with my sweet boyfriend, I decided to leave an old friend called alcohol.

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Can you share any insights into the mindset when you wrote that social media post detailing your decision to leave alcohol behind and, I suppose, the liberating journey of sobriety and it initiated beyond what you've said already?

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yeah, so that was a year after I I had decided to stop drinking and I felt comfortable enough to talk about it on social media.

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Within that, you know and I did that because I tell you that whole first year I would find myself on social media searching for other people who had stopped- and.

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I found that really inspiring.

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When I hear Drew Barrymore talk about it, it really inspires me.

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Um yeah, so I've I decided to just do that because I know how much it meant to me when I would see other people that had decided to stop that weren't necessarily hit rock bottom or necessarily um you know alcoholics or or whatever you know Soics, or whatever you know, so I just thought, why not share that?

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Maybe?

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it will inspire somebody, yeah absolutely, and you've got such a you know large social media following.

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You have such profile and influence that people will look to you and seeing you go through that, like you've said, I'm sure will help plenty of other people as well.

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Yeah, and you know, and the funny thing is is like hearing that back I still struggle with anxiety.

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I still struggle sometimes.

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I don't know if it's depression or it's more anxiety.

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For me I don't think I'm really depressed, but I think it's easier to sort of face all of that and find the tools to calm myself down or without having the mind chatter of the alcohol which to me it became really loud of, like when's I wonder what I'm going to have to drink tonight, or what am I going to drink, like it was everything was planned around alcohol.

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And to eliminate that from my life has been really interesting, even to see who I gravitate towards as friends to who I don't know it's I just eliminating that entire aspect of my life has been so freeing and really I love it Like I find it very empowering to be able to go to a party and not even think about having a drink.

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Or be able to you know all the different.

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I mean, I used to plan a drink that went with almost every occasion right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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And to just not have that as a part of it.

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Um has it impacted any of like your?

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You know you said then, I often found that when I speak to people when they give up alcohol, sometimes they might find that their friends aren't inviting them to things anymore or they maybe struggle to attend events because they don't have the comfort of alcohol, especially people with anxiety and you know I've talked about social anxiety in the past and people who need a drink to go to social events.

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But I often find that when alcohol is removed, some people they find that their friendship circles change because they're no longer being invited to things or they don't want to hang out with friends who are drinking.

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Did you experience anything like that or did things sort of stay the same for yourself?

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I did experience that, but I you know what.

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What I really saw was who, who are my lifelong friends and my friends that I consider family, and if I have a drink or if I don't have a drink, it doesn't matter within any situation.

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And I realized I'm very bored quickly, um, sitting around someone's counter with people just drinking.

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I don't find it that inspiring.

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And you know, at first I think it was like I put it on myself, like am I boring?

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do I not have enough to say, but then I realized no, this situation is boring it was much more fun when you was under the influence of alcohol now you're sober, you realize these situations aren't as fun as I thought they were yeah, I completely get that I think there's some people that, just like they may, they may you know when, when I did drink a lot, um, not a lot, but I it was a part of my life of every like almost every day and somebody would stop drinking.

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I remember thinking like, oh, they're probably not fun anymore.

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Yeah, yeah, that is the culprit?

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yeah, yeah.

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Well, that's what I mean, so it's one of the things at least you can understand it from.

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From another point of view, then, completely, um, do you know?

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What's interesting is reflecting on your past experience of alcohol, and particularly your ability to drink heavily and engage in risky behavior and I've got an example of it here, actually, because this is part of the social media post that I really enjoyed reading.

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You've put a relationship I had cultivated since I was 15 years old.

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I was a very good drinker.

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I could even do a keg stand for 53 seconds when I was 17.

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I could drive drunk in my 20s.

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I could be the last one standing at a party.

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I could climb over three-story balconies.

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I could car surf.

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I could do flips backwards downstairs and land on my feet.

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I was crazy good at drinking.

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Jesus Christ, how am I still alive?

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How do you view those moments now in light of your sobriety journey?

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What do you look back at that on?

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You know I look at it like we have so many different chapters in our lives.

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Um, recently I've just been transferring mini dv tapes from when I was younger.

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I have hundreds of them and I'm sort of I have to go very slowly and like look at small batches at a time because it steers up crazy emotions right to see yourself in your 20s and I just it's almost like that was another person um and it was a wild ride and I had a blast.

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I am surprised I'm still alive.

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I have a 15 year old little girl and I'm really hoping she's nothing like I was when you got children, you're like god.

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I hope they don't tell anything, like I was I don't think she will be no I either, who knows?

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She has her own journey coming up, yeah I mean we've you know, as part of the research.

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Um, I found out a little bits about your childhood and there's some things in there that you know we don't have to go into too much.

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But you're upbringing from what?

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Was it three to to 15 of your mother being in like a cult, was it?

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yeah so you know, obviously her child is going to be completely different to yours.

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I think was there a natural reason and you've probably discussed this before, but I guess, being in that environment was there a natural reason to feel rebellious because of coming from quite a religious background?

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Do you think that has anything to do with the behavior that you was portraying at?

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Do you know, 17 years old as you, as you've said, oh, I think 100%.

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You know, I was three to 15 when my mom left.

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I was just going into high school and I didn't really start rebelling until I was like 15 and experimenting and sort of finding my own identity, I guess.

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And yeah, it's been sort of a lifetime of unwiring and deprogramming whatever was instilled in my brain.

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That's a long time.

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They are really formative years of really kind of developing.

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Aren't they to go through that?

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And I never really bought into all of the stuff that they were feeding me because it didn't ring true for me what sort of stuff was they feeding you?

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because I've heard, I've heard, I've heard the stories of growing up in your mother being indoctrinated into a cult.

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But what sort of were the messages that you was being told at that young age?

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well, it was very, it was a very christian religious cult that was almost taking Christianity and then just like pushing it to the limits where you lose your identity and just wanting everybody to conform, and especially my mom and whatever you know, her, her, the people around her, and then they would trickle down to the kids and and I think my brother got more of the brunt of it than I did, because I was the youngest and I don't know it was.

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You know, it was just really fundamental.

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Like you're going to hell if you do that.

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Like I mean, this is too much information, but I, you go say whatever you want, so I mean as a small example, and know people grow up in religious families all the time.

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But I remember I think I was 10.

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And this is kind of embarrassing, but I decided to like look in the mirror and I figured out I had three holes.

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And I came running down the hallway Mom, I have three holes and she's, like you know, started yelling at me.

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You could go to hell for doing that.

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You can't look at yourself and you only have two.

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And I was like, no, no, there's definitely three.

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This lady has no idea what she's talking about.

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I was like something's off.

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How do you know more than an adult in that situation?

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You need to go take a look.

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There is not two Anyway, so it was things like that that I think that and if we had joy, if I remember being at school and doing gymnastics and feeling joy and proud, and another girl who was in the cult with me went home and told on me and I got reprimanded and and I was going to hell and I was, you know, I had to really I don't know what because I was um, oh my god, what was the word that we, I think I've blocked the word out.

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Whatever it was, you weren't.

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It was a sin to feel so much pride.

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Idolatry.

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I think yeah, yeah, I don't know whatever.

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But having said all of this, there's another component to whatever it was that influenced my relationship with alcohol.

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It was that my dad was an alcoholic.

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Yeah.

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But when my mom was alive, I think she helped him keep it at bay and whatever it was, he didn't do it around us or in the house, um.

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But when she passed away was when he really sort of fell apart and I watched him for 15 to 20 years.

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Just see.

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Now I'm gonna cry, but just like lose himself.

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Oh my god.

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Okay, I didn't want to do that, but I'm just very emotionally.

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It makes me sad no, it's understandable, I think it's.

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It's, I guess, what I'm.

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To be fair, one of the things I'm more surprised about is is growing up in that environment and growing up with you know someone a father with alcohol dependence as well that you haven't experienced probably more trauma than you have to to be as functioning as you are and to have the success that you've dependence as well, that you haven't experienced probably more trauma than you have to be as functioning as you are and to have the success that you've had as well.

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From that, it's a question for you.

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Some people say that alcoholism is hereditary, that because their parents are alcohol dependent that's why I'm alcohol dependent.

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Oh, my dad was an alcoholic, that's why I'm an alcoholic.

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Do you have any opinion on that, as anyone of your brothers, sisters or anyone else who had any problems with alcohol as well, or my brother doesn't drink.

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My sister is a social drinker.

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Um, I do think a child of an alcoholic um creates a certain type of personality.

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Um, that is very good for to become a director nice I've actually michael ironside, who's a recovered alcoholic, did say that to me when he was on set of the space between um, he came over and while I was directing and running around the set, and he's like can I ask you, is your dad an alcoholic or is somebody?

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And I said yeah, my dad is.

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And he's like yeah, I feel like it suddenly made sense.

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There's so much about your personality that you suddenly still stop.

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Children of alcohol are great directors.

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That's brilliant, oh, okay, but I do think that is one of the reasons why I stopped drinking two years ago as well is that if I can get a handle on it now, great, because if in 20 years, when I don't feel great and my body's giving out, that's going to be harder than to get a handle on it, and did you actually believe that you would be going in the direction of alcohol addiction had you not made the changes that you've made over the last two years very slippery slope yeah, I think you know what it's.

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One of the things if you hadn't had the life that you've had and had the success that you've had and you know it very well could have been.

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Do you think something to do with your profile?

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The influence and your celebrity status is something that countered the possibility of becoming alcohol dependent early?

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I mean, I've met people as young as you know, in the 20s, with alcohol dependence.

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But what do you think to that?

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Maybe Because you've been so focused you know what I mean.

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Like you're looking at your career, you know there's often been something there that you've been, projects you've been working on.

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So I think one thing that I've often seen is people with the addiction mindset, whatever they turn their hand to, ends up being something quite significant, whether it be art I've seen some of the best art I've ever seen have been being from people who've had drug dependence because the challenge channeling that mindset and that addictive personality into something else because it's it's not necessarily the substance, that's the issue, it's that mindset in the way that um, yeah, the loop, and it's how they're making them feel.

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So I've known addicts go into into business and that's it.

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They're focused on their business like 24 7 and you end up making a crazy amount of money from it.

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But the second the business fails.

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That's it.

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They've gone into alcohol dependence or drug addiction because that's where their mindset is going yeah, so as you were saying all that, this something I was reminded me of.

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I think it was 29, 29, 30,.

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My mom had just passed away and I did get to a point with my drinking that I was scaring myself.

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And I remember talking to my boyfriend at the time, who was a really nice guy from Chicago, he was a musician and I said to him I'm scared, I think I need help, and you know I don't.

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Yeah, I think I need help, I'm not sure how, what to do.

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And he said to me he said it's a big choice.

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So either you get it in control right now or you can label yourself an alcoholic and go get the help, but you're an alcoholic for the rest of your life.

00:19:35.599 --> 00:19:40.786
And I remember I was like oh, that's so true, I'm just going to get it in control.

00:19:40.786 --> 00:19:44.049
And I did, I did.

00:19:49.440 --> 00:19:49.599
I did.

00:19:49.599 --> 00:19:50.883
You don't sound so sure I don't know.

00:19:50.903 --> 00:19:55.833
No, no, you know, because here I am 20 years later and I was like, oh my god, I need to stop drinking.

00:19:55.833 --> 00:20:02.492
And I finally hit the wall where I was like you know, my life right now is so lovely and nice.

00:20:02.492 --> 00:20:04.143
I have the nicest boyfriend.

00:20:04.143 --> 00:20:06.089
He's so kind, he he's so wonderful.

00:20:06.089 --> 00:20:07.021
I have a great daughter.

00:20:07.021 --> 00:20:15.272
I have my career starting to take off as a writer and a director and all this stuff, but something still felt off.

00:20:15.374 --> 00:20:29.807
And I remember sitting on my backyard with my pal Joanne, my my best drinking buddy, who's now a very good friend still um having my whiskey because I had stopped drinking wine, because it did not make me feel good.

00:20:29.807 --> 00:20:35.424
And I looked at her and I'm like, like I said, in that thing I got to blow something up.

00:20:35.424 --> 00:20:39.026
And I don't think it's Matt, I think it's this.

00:20:39.026 --> 00:20:46.527
And we were like okay, all right, so we just partied that day, and then it was like maybe a month later where.

00:20:46.586 --> 00:20:54.712
I just I was in Cannes, actually, and I just almost started to feel disconnected from my body.

00:20:54.712 --> 00:21:04.451
And I went to Cannes and I hadn't drank wine in over a year because it wasn't sitting well with me, and I decided that, since I was in France, I could have rosé.

00:21:04.451 --> 00:21:15.366
And I had one glass of rosé and I had one glass of rosé at a party and then I remember, before we were leaving that party I had poured, because they were pouring the smallest amounts of rosé.

00:21:15.586 --> 00:21:23.060
I was taking glasses of rosé and pouring it into my cup, so it was bigger and then I drank my producer making you a cup of tea, sort of thing, yeah, the half full.

00:21:23.060 --> 00:21:24.405
Yeah, yeah, exactly, but it was the rosé and I drank all that rosé.

00:21:24.405 --> 00:21:26.211
And then I drank my producer making you a cup of tea, sort of thing yeah, the half full.

00:21:26.230 --> 00:21:27.013
Yeah, yeah, exactly, but it was the rose.

00:21:27.013 --> 00:21:29.582
And I drank all that rose and then I went out that night and I drank more.

00:21:29.582 --> 00:21:42.622
I drank myself to a point where I I couldn't even see straight laid on the beach all the next day, just so hungover, and then started to have panic, panic attacks the next day and then knew I had to fly.

00:21:42.622 --> 00:21:56.623
And then I remember saying to Matt on the phone and I said I think I need to stop drinking and I don't know how to do it, and he said I'll stop too yeah, so was that a big support, like having someone.

00:21:56.884 --> 00:21:58.707
Yeah so he stopped.

00:21:58.707 --> 00:22:05.791
He hasn't had a drink since and it was never a big deal to him, like it wasn't a part of his life, like it was mine.

00:22:05.791 --> 00:22:07.003
Especially I think a woman.

00:22:07.003 --> 00:22:12.912
I don't know everybody's different, but for me in my 40s, with my child young, that's like the drinking time.

00:22:13.140 --> 00:22:18.220
It's like you become it's a social thing with other mothers and all this stuff, and he stopped.

00:22:18.220 --> 00:22:45.394
And I do think it would have been so much harder Because if I had a partner who liked to make cozy meals and have a bottle of wine while we cook, and because that was like one of my favorite things to do was have someone cook, or or I would open up a bottle of wine if I was going to cook and and and just having that eliminated made it, I think, so much easier I don't know if matt drank, I don't know if I would have been able to do it yeah.

00:22:46.142 --> 00:22:47.949
Well, it's just having people around you.

00:22:47.949 --> 00:22:56.192
It's one of the things that I often speak to people with alcohol dependence and then I often say for them when it's like, oh, I'll give up, around Christmas time.

00:22:56.192 --> 00:22:59.861
And then Christmas comes and there's all the celebrations and actually, you know, drinks come with that.

00:22:59.861 --> 00:23:02.542
And then it's like, oh, maybe after Christmas.

00:23:02.542 --> 00:23:07.166
And then it gets to summertime and they're like, oh, maybe I'll have a drink in the summer.

00:23:07.166 --> 00:23:13.412
But the problem is there's never an ideal time to stop drinking because there's always going to be something For us.

00:23:13.412 --> 00:23:26.859
In the UK we have beer gardens, so once the sun comes out and it's not very often here, but once the sun is out, that's it People instantly turn, flock to the beer gardens and, you know, drink Christmas time, of course, there's naturally, you know, a lot of alcohol.

00:23:26.859 --> 00:23:31.290
So there's never really a good time to stop drinking because there's always going to be outside influence.

00:23:32.259 --> 00:23:33.586
So it's about dealing with that.

00:23:33.586 --> 00:23:42.788
And I think I mean when I speak to people who go to detox for alcohol dependence and I often say, once they get out, that's, you know, the detox was probably the easy part.

00:23:42.788 --> 00:23:48.165
Now you have to go to the supermarket and you have to see creators of beer on sale, bottles of wine on sale.

00:23:48.165 --> 00:23:51.048
That's where the temptation is Detox.

00:23:51.048 --> 00:23:52.343
You're safe In the rehab.

00:23:52.343 --> 00:23:52.845
You're safe.

00:23:52.845 --> 00:23:54.867
They don't have them pressures of it there.

00:23:54.867 --> 00:23:58.464
It's coming back into the community, which is hard, but again, going back to yourself.

00:23:58.464 --> 00:24:00.309
All it takes is to have a partner.

00:24:09.420 --> 00:24:11.303
Open up a bottle of wine, wine, the temptation is going to come creeping.

00:24:11.303 --> 00:24:14.127
So it's really good to have a supportive person in your life to do that alongside as well.

00:24:14.127 --> 00:24:14.428
100.

00:24:14.428 --> 00:24:17.153
It's incredible that he, he, he did that for me.

00:24:17.153 --> 00:24:17.693
Pretty cool, um, and then.

00:24:17.693 --> 00:24:21.003
So still every now and then, like okay, here comes spring.

00:24:21.003 --> 00:24:36.821
Or when I walk into an airport about to go on a trip, I have, it's a wave that washes through me that's like, oh, what if I could be that social type of drinker that just every now and then I could have?

00:24:37.986 --> 00:24:39.131
yeah, but what but that?

00:24:39.131 --> 00:24:40.836
And that's a slippery slope that's it.

00:24:41.057 --> 00:24:50.984
It's that when you start going into the mindset of what if, and so many people especially, you know, will think after a year a certain thing oh it's nice, been a year now, maybe I can have the one.

00:24:50.984 --> 00:24:56.486
But for people, as you'll know, with alcoholism and alcohol addiction, there isn't just the one right.

00:24:56.526 --> 00:25:12.585
I always like the saying um, one's too many and two is not enough yeah it's a really good saying that yeah considering your background in the entertainment industry and your public persona, how have you navigated any pressures or expectations related to alcohol consumption or party culture?

00:25:14.308 --> 00:25:26.012
yeah, um, so I haven't been put into too many situations yet, especially since it was only two years ago coming right off the heels of COVID.

00:25:26.012 --> 00:25:29.444
You know so a little bit.

00:25:29.464 --> 00:25:37.654
you know, like when I've I guess, like movie premieres and stuff, it's often glamorized, people with champagne, you know those sort of events and functions.

00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:41.070
Yeah, and I really haven't been in a lot of those situations recently.

00:25:41.070 --> 00:25:44.869
I mean, I have gone to a few things and that's not true.

00:25:44.869 --> 00:25:49.689
I've gone to a bunch of things and I just don't no, no, I just don't just as simple as that.

00:25:49.689 --> 00:26:02.971
Yeah, just yeah I just get my sparkling water in a wine glass and I and now I don't even bring it up the first year I felt the need to almost apologize for myself constantly and be like I don't drink anymore.

00:26:03.452 --> 00:26:04.844
And and then I dawned on me.

00:26:04.844 --> 00:26:16.731
Now I'm just telling, now I'm alienating myself right off the bat, nobody needs to know, and there's something about like sitting on the beach and having just a really cool beer, or just like.

00:26:16.731 --> 00:26:31.047
Even when I went to france and belgium a couple years ago with my daughter and my best friend, um, they had great non-alcoholic beers at the pub and that's all I needed was just one beer and it tastes good, that's it.

00:26:31.047 --> 00:26:32.289
You don't have two of them.

00:26:32.289 --> 00:26:33.882
No, no, of course and that's it.

00:26:33.902 --> 00:26:35.429
For me, it's often the taste.

00:26:35.429 --> 00:26:46.886
Once I've had the taste, I'm fine, because I've never liked the effects of being drunk not for a long time, to be fair, due to stupid stuff that I've done in my 20s like a lot of people, but I do.

00:26:46.886 --> 00:26:48.555
I really enjoy it, especially on a hot day.

00:26:48.555 --> 00:26:49.640
I really enjoy the taste of beer.

00:26:49.640 --> 00:27:00.101
So, coming home, opening a non-alcoholic beer from the fridge and sitting in my garden, I get the taste of it and then I'm fine and then the craving is gone and that's all I needed was just to get rid of the craving.

00:27:00.121 --> 00:27:02.346
So non-alcoholic beer for me personally has been wonderful.

00:27:02.346 --> 00:27:03.388
Yeah, me too.

00:27:03.388 --> 00:27:12.724
So for yourself, I guess to a lot of people you have been, you've been portrayed as, as a hero and a lot of people obviously their primary role is the pink power ranger.

00:27:12.724 --> 00:27:14.951
Uh, to millions of children worldwide.

00:27:14.951 --> 00:27:22.153
Um, does does that make it harder to be open and honest about personal issues and struggles?

00:27:22.153 --> 00:27:33.566
Because I found that to people when they're playing, I guess in a way I as a kid I used to look up to yourself and the rest of the power rangers as these invincible characters with no weaknesses.

00:27:33.566 --> 00:27:44.384
So to hear you come in and say about anxiety, it's like I never had imagined what's that like for you, kind of having that role and and being able to do you find that you're not able to be as honest.

00:27:44.384 --> 00:27:47.491
Is it harder to be open and honest about personal struggles because of that role?

00:27:47.921 --> 00:28:11.329
I'm just a very honest and open person anyway and I think because when I was struggling and I went online, searching andrew barrymore really was very inspiring to me and there's a couple canadian actresses that I was listening to and um that I think it could only be helpful.

00:28:11.329 --> 00:28:24.576
Just people just want to know that they're normal yeah and we're, we're all kind of we're all I, I don't know I I think we're all just trying to be okay yeah, this is I've never, never, true headspoken.

00:28:24.596 --> 00:28:25.059
I think you know.

00:28:25.059 --> 00:28:32.949
An interesting thing is I watched something with stan lee before and he talked a lot about heroes but he said you can having a hero with um.

00:28:32.949 --> 00:28:37.546
It's probably why I've never really resonated with the hero superman growing up, because he didn't seem to be.

00:28:37.546 --> 00:28:39.701
Obviously there was the kryptonite, but I can't relate to krypton.

00:28:39.701 --> 00:28:45.713
Do you know, as a kid I related to spiderman because his weakness was his loved ones and then being like the vulnerable part of it.

00:28:45.713 --> 00:28:59.155
So I think for me especially more as an adult, when I'm, you know, if I delve into graphic novels or comic books or superhero films the heroes having weaknesses are what make them heroes.

00:28:59.155 --> 00:29:06.324
It's triumphing over the weaknesses as well, like trying to know for the weaknesses as well.

00:29:06.324 --> 00:29:14.249
So I think in a way, for me that is that's an important thing to see people that you're looking up to expressing personal reasons as to things that they've got going on in life yeah, yeah, I don't know.

00:29:14.328 --> 00:29:26.619
I just who just popped in my head was jdf yes yeah, and that that's tough a tough one because but was very, very open and verbal about all of his struggles.

00:29:26.619 --> 00:29:47.924
And you know I don't know if you ever saw any of he would do these poems and then he would like video these poems of his demons and his struggles that he was going through in his head and then you know, they won at some point and that's sad and that's hard and I think that really, really affected a lot of people.

00:29:48.726 --> 00:29:52.752
But yeah, yeah he struggled for a long time.

00:29:52.794 --> 00:29:59.102
I'm gonna come to jdf actually later in this this uh in this podcast because there is some things that I probably would like to to discuss.

00:29:59.102 --> 00:29:59.762
Well, I'm glad that.

00:29:59.762 --> 00:30:07.382
I'm glad that you've mentioned it, um, but I'd like to talk about the stigma and judgment from discussions around sobriety.

00:30:07.382 --> 00:30:08.807
It's obviously something that you said, you know.

00:30:08.807 --> 00:30:10.823
You used to have to feel like you needed to explain.

00:30:10.823 --> 00:30:22.007
Can you speak about the importance of removing the stigma and judgment from discussions about sobriety, especially in the context of your own experiences and I suppose the broader social convention?

00:30:22.007 --> 00:30:23.772
I mean, it's why we do this podcast.

00:30:23.772 --> 00:30:27.906
It's stigma, you know, it's about caring yeah, it's so funny.

00:30:27.987 --> 00:30:34.731
It's like I think I'm a lot.

00:30:34.731 --> 00:30:41.523
There's parts of me that are way more fun now than that, than they were before, but I think there is a stigma that you're not as fun.

00:30:41.523 --> 00:30:48.544
Um, I think a lot of people struggle with alcohol and they don't know that they're struggling with it.

00:30:48.924 --> 00:30:55.682
And so there is a judgment that comes up or there is a insecurity or something around it.

00:30:55.682 --> 00:31:10.638
If somebody doesn't need to drink and I think it could be slightly either either it's intimidating or they feel like that you're judging them or watching them, or there's something.

00:31:10.638 --> 00:31:19.855
There is a disconnect, and I have definitely in the last few years a lot of times felt like I'm on the outside of the conversation or the outside of the party.

00:31:20.800 --> 00:31:24.151
Not with everybody by any means, but with a lot of people.

00:31:24.151 --> 00:31:38.432
But then again, I I've always felt that my whole life, so I don't know if it is the alcohol or if it's just a general feeling I have gone through life with where do you think those feelings come from?

00:31:38.773 --> 00:31:39.679
from the cult, probably.

00:31:39.679 --> 00:31:43.028
Yeah, yeah, yeah, not being able to relate to other children or something.

00:31:43.048 --> 00:31:58.803
Yeah, because we went to public school, even though I was part of this religious church and cult and I had all the rules on me of like how I was dressed and just who we were, so I just always felt like an outcast because we went to the public school.

00:31:58.803 --> 00:32:02.229
So I think that's just like carried through and carried over.

00:32:02.328 --> 00:32:20.329
So it's a familiar feeling to feel like so you know, half the time, who knows, maybe when I am feeling that from people, it's my, it's my own stuff well, I think you know, when we use the word trauma, we instantly think of like, really you know severe things and obviously I don't know exactly.

00:32:20.329 --> 00:32:22.480
I mean, there was a lot of time to spend in a cult.

00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:30.086
But it's trauma is still that, in the sense of here, you are now still affected by things that happened to you as a child, as an adult.

00:32:30.086 --> 00:32:33.008
It still carries on in some way, doesn't it?

00:32:33.008 --> 00:32:35.627
There's always parts of you from, I think.

00:32:35.627 --> 00:32:39.328
As you said, I was speaking to my producer on the way down here.

00:32:40.685 --> 00:32:47.261
As you know, we had a seven, eight hour drive down here today to come and speak with you know we had a seven, eight hour drive down here today to come and speak with you, so we got into this conversation a lot.

00:32:47.261 --> 00:33:03.555
But it was interesting to talk about ourselves and how our I guess experiences that we experienced as kids, very young, still really inform our behaviours and how we are as adults and a lot of our life and how our relationships with our parents affect us as adults.

00:33:03.555 --> 00:33:21.222
And again, something that I saw, I read recently, should I say, is that we are, as soon as you become a parent, you are the ghost of your children's future, and I was like that's really powerful that to know that everything I'm doing and I don't I don't think it was necessarily the the case with my parents, or maybe they didn't think it too deep into it.

00:33:21.222 --> 00:33:22.586
I have a two-year-old daughter.

00:33:22.586 --> 00:33:31.661
I'm very conscious of how I'm going to raise her, to you know, and maybe overthinking to the point as well, thinking I have to get this right.

00:33:31.661 --> 00:33:32.604
Do you know what I mean?

00:33:32.604 --> 00:33:36.935
I don't want to uh offset some of my own anxieties onto her.

00:33:37.057 --> 00:33:38.462
Like, here's a stupid thing.

00:33:38.462 --> 00:33:39.505
I hate frogs.

00:33:39.505 --> 00:33:40.606
I'm terrified of frogs.

00:33:40.606 --> 00:33:42.811
When I see frogs, I just I freeze.

00:33:42.811 --> 00:33:44.560
We was walking along, we saw a frog.

00:33:44.560 --> 00:33:46.922
I couldn't let her see that daddy was scared of a frog.

00:33:46.922 --> 00:33:49.564
So I went over to that frog and got really close to it.

00:33:49.564 --> 00:33:51.444
I was like, look, it's Mr Frog.

00:33:51.444 --> 00:33:54.445
And I was like I can't let her see that.

00:33:54.445 --> 00:33:56.508
You know having these weaknesses and things like that.

00:33:56.508 --> 00:34:06.713
But there is something about that as a parent and how that affects us as adults as well, and I guess for yourself, do you know how was?

00:34:06.713 --> 00:34:11.717
I guess how was a child's experiences affecting you as an adult is maybe quite visible as well.

00:34:12.976 --> 00:34:14.297
Yeah, I don't know.

00:34:14.297 --> 00:34:24.467
The other day I was sort of going through an anxiety sort of thing and I was talking to this mentor that I have this guy Robert, and I was like this just feels so familiar.

00:34:24.760 --> 00:34:25.931
Like here I am again and I was like.

00:34:25.931 --> 00:34:27.913
This just feels so familiar, like here I am again and he goes.

00:34:27.913 --> 00:34:42.382
But if you actually look at it, look how much you've evolved and changed from when you were in your thirties, maybe going through similar feelings of trauma, of residual stuff from your childhood.

00:34:42.382 --> 00:34:56.570
And he's so right, because I am so much happier than I was in my mid-30s when I fled Los Angeles and moved my life to Montreal and sort of had a little bit of a nervous breakdown.

00:34:56.570 --> 00:35:01.190
But that doesn't mean we're humans.

00:35:01.190 --> 00:35:04.282
We're never going to feel perfect, we're always.

00:35:04.282 --> 00:35:18.050
I think all of that stuff will keep coming up, but we keep evolving and growing, hopefully as people that more equipped to kind of deal with the the waves as they come was the move to montreal.

00:35:18.070 --> 00:35:21.222
Um, did you find that you was trying to escape something?

00:35:21.222 --> 00:35:22.503
Was that the reason for the move?

00:35:22.503 --> 00:35:24.907
So a lot of people completely relocate the lives?

00:35:24.907 --> 00:35:27.992
Because it does, I guess in a way it's.

00:35:27.992 --> 00:35:39.228
It's, if I move away from where I think the problem is, I'm getting away from the problem, and then they find that they move and go hang on, the problems come with me because I'm the problem.

00:35:39.228 --> 00:35:39.992
Do you know what I mean?

00:35:39.992 --> 00:35:41.358
So did you experience that?

00:35:41.358 --> 00:35:43.603
Was that part of the reason why you made the move?

00:35:43.603 --> 00:35:45.809
And if so, what was it you was maybe escaping from?

00:35:45.869 --> 00:36:02.416
if you won't mind discussing, I needed to leave LA because I had come to a point where I think I had spent too much of my 20s and my early 30s comparing myself to other people.

00:36:02.416 --> 00:36:20.702
And it was debilitating and my mother had passed away maybe five years before that and I I don't think I had actually walked through that grief yet and so I needed to go fall apart and do that, because I was still working constantly the whole time and no time to grieve.

00:36:20.744 --> 00:36:38.264
You need that time to process a loss like that process and grieve and then also get a start, a new habit of not comparing myself to other people and I find I found being an actress in los angeles and hollywood.

00:36:38.264 --> 00:36:44.969
All I was doing was looking at what everybody else had and I needed to just stop yeah, and, and that's to be fair.

00:36:44.989 --> 00:36:55.983
The interesting thing about that is it's rife in the world now, because of social media, people are constantly comparing themselves to other people and in social media, do you, do you find that you?

00:36:56.023 --> 00:37:17.831
have that now, or are you past that point of comparing and I delete social media off my phone a lot and then I have to put it back on because for work and for what I'm doing to promote, say, the comic book or a convention I'm going to, or you know, it's just I think it's part of my work at my career at this point.

00:37:18.411 --> 00:37:33.333
Um, I go back on and I do my thing and then I find myself, as soon as there is one afternoon, where I lay down and just start scrolling and 15 minutes have gone by, or 20 minutes or a half hour, and I feel sick to my stomach.

00:37:33.333 --> 00:37:34.655
I delete it, yeah.

00:37:35.320 --> 00:37:38.846
I have app timers on my phone now so I can't access between.

00:37:38.846 --> 00:37:42.909
You know, across all platforms, I technically have one hour of social media a day.

00:37:42.909 --> 00:37:44.726
That's not one hour of Instagram, twitter.

00:37:44.726 --> 00:37:45.588
It's all of them at once.

00:37:45.588 --> 00:37:48.800
If I hit an hour on Instagram, I'm not allowed on Twitter.

00:37:48.800 --> 00:37:50.246
My phone won't let me.

00:37:50.246 --> 00:37:53.088
I could go in and change the settings, but it's a little prompt for me.

00:37:53.088 --> 00:37:56.688
When I know it, I'm like, oh, or even if the timer comes up, you have 10 minutes.

00:37:56.688 --> 00:37:58.467
I've probably spent too much time on this today.

00:37:58.467 --> 00:38:11.612
I find that really helpful because I have been guilty of comparing myself to others, I think, in the past, and I think it's quite a normal thing to do and it's as you've said, it's quite depressing in a weird way.

00:38:12.480 --> 00:38:14.467
Yeah, it's just, it's not real.

00:38:14.547 --> 00:38:14.947
Exactly.

00:38:14.947 --> 00:38:15.690
It's not real.

00:38:15.690 --> 00:38:17.684
I guess that's the thing that I really have to hammer.

00:38:17.684 --> 00:38:18.666
I was like that's not real.

00:38:18.666 --> 00:38:26.048
That is not what it looks like it's, it's a complete facade yeah do you think that was going on for yourself in reality as well?

00:38:26.048 --> 00:38:31.527
In la, you know, when you said you was comparing yourself to other people yes yeah, so it wasn't like in social media.

00:38:31.527 --> 00:38:33.452
It's also no, no, no, that's what I mean.

00:38:33.472 --> 00:38:53.755
So to do it in person in person in my career and who people who seem like they were more in love, who had boyfriends, and like I've really found in the last five years that I've been with Matt, who's my boyfriend, I finally finally like he's just the sweetest, nicest guy.

00:38:53.755 --> 00:39:00.614
He's like you know, I feel so lucky to have found somebody.

00:39:00.614 --> 00:39:29.010
I think before Matt may have never been a person that I would be with because I don't know what I was thinking Like I need this or that, or I have to be with somebody that I put on a pedestal, and then finally I'm just with somebody who I just feel really comfortable around and he makes me feel pretty, or I just feel pretty around him or I just feel calm.

00:39:29.601 --> 00:39:45.688
He's a very calm person and I would say only in the last year have I really been like grateful for that and I am not settling like in my head five years ago oh, that would be settling.

00:39:45.688 --> 00:39:48.360
Now I don't even know why I'm settling for what like?

00:39:48.360 --> 00:39:49.563
What did I have in my head?

00:39:51.146 --> 00:39:52.289
what was out there?

00:39:52.449 --> 00:39:55.376
nothing that whatever that was doesn't even exist.

00:39:55.480 --> 00:39:59.349
It's nice when you've got someone that is so, so calm and you know to to be.

00:39:59.349 --> 00:40:01.282
I mean, I found it since having my daughter.

00:40:01.282 --> 00:40:12.664
It gets to the to the weekends now and like sometimes I don't want to go socializing with friends and stuff, like I'm happy, just me, my wife, my daughter, just in this little nook sort of thing doing.

00:40:12.664 --> 00:40:19.931
We don't have to do anything even remotely like exciting, we can go walk the dogs on a field somewhere and I'm like this is perfect, I'm happy.

00:40:19.931 --> 00:40:21.202
You know, this is what I want.

00:40:21.202 --> 00:40:30.545
And it's so interesting to be in that position where you feel like, where someone does make you feel safe and you're not bothered about the outside world and you're not worrying about social media and all those things.

00:40:30.545 --> 00:40:38.025
I think it's a really nice place to be I used to love to travel alone and I would just go everywhere to in.

00:40:39.108 --> 00:40:47.387
When I got here a couple days early, before David got here and before my friend Taya came, I had a whole day to myself and I finished the day.

00:40:47.387 --> 00:40:54.092
I mean, I went and I traveled around and stuff, and I called Matt and I'm like, yeah, I'm just really not into this anymore.

00:40:55.541 --> 00:41:09.369
Like life's about communion and being with people and and sharing moments with the people that you love do you find it hard to be away from him then, like now, like you know, coming here for work as you are, is that being quite hard for you, or has it been okay?

00:41:09.409 --> 00:41:14.891

#43 - Amy Jo Johnson: Alcohol Free & Loving Life

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